


Take All That Is Yours

by Kihyunie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A lot of kissing, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Childhood Friends, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Making Out, Partying, Pining, Slice of Life, domestic shit, kind of, some side ships mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-07-25 05:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16190918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kihyunie/pseuds/Kihyunie
Summary: ‘Hey,’ Jaemin starts eventually. ‘Nothing changed between us, right? I mean, because of the kiss thing.’Jeno looks at Jaemin. He seems neutral, like he doesn’t care at all, returning Jeno’s gaze with a quiet kind of indifference. Just making sure.Jeno wants to say,how can you ask that of me? How can you kiss me like that without meaning it? How can you expect me to not feel any different? Friends don’t make out, not even to teach. They just don’t do that.‘No,’ Jeno says. ‘Nothing’s changed.’(aka Jaemin offers to be Jeno's first kiss and Jeno has been in love with him for too long to say no.)





	Take All That Is Yours

**Author's Note:**

> hi it's me with another cliche!! I'll never let go of best friends nomin or experienced!jaemin x inexperienced!jeno 
> 
> warning: theres some anxiety in here, drinking, Jaemin kissing some others and they talk about sex once but no one is involved so you can put down your pitchfork barbara. Also it's pretty jeno-centric 
> 
> anyways lets gooooo
> 
> (available in [Russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/7604983))

It’s a late Friday afternoon and the light’s coming in through the tiny kitchen window, painting a yellow a square on the table. The wood is warmer there and Jeno spreads his hand out to feel it. In the background Jaemin is puttering around the stove, finishing up dinner while humming along to the song on the radio. The room smells pleasantly like sesame oil and chopped basil.

Jeno thinks this might be his favourite everything.

Jaemin sits down and pushes a plate over to Jeno. They eat in comfortable silence, Jaemin reading something on his phone, Jeno working on a paper. When they are done, Jeno collects the dishes and puts them in the sink to wash them later. It’s how it works for them.

'Don’t wait up for me tonight,' Jaemin says then. 'I have a date.'

Jeno glances up at Jaemin’s tone. He’s smiling, anticipation clear on his face.

Jeno asks himself when this will stop stinging. God knows he’s witnessed this often enough to get used to it. Often enough to school his expression into something casual despite the hairline crack in his heart.

'Don’t you mean a scheduled make out session?' he replies.

Jaemin doesn't even have the decency to look ashamed, grinning coyly. 'Call it what you want. One day you'll know what you're missing out on.'

Jeno almost laughs. He knows exactly what he's missing out on. What Jaemin doesn’t get is that in comparison to him, Jeno can’t ever have it.

 

 

‘Where’s Jaemin?’ Renjun asks, kicking his shoes off before following Jeno through to the living room.

‘It’s Friday,’ Jeno emphasises and glances back at Renjun.

Renjun rolls his eyes. ‘One day he’ll get tired of it.’

Jeno wants to agree but he can’t. Jaemin has always been really… out there. Has always liked parties as long as he was with the right people. Since they came to university there was nothing stopping him, not even Jeno. He doesn’t try anymore.

‘You still like him, don’t you?’ Renjun asks.

Jeno would have preferred for Renjun to never find this out since he’s also friends with Jaemin, but Renjun has some weird ass clairvoyance skills that Jeno just couldn’t escape from. Now it’s too late and Jeno is kind of glad that there’s at least one person he doesn’t have to lie to.

‘He’s my best friend,’ Jeno says. ‘Does it ever go away?’

Renjun shrugs and picks up the remote. ‘Maybe not. But one of you is gonna fuck up at some point and then we’ll see.’

Jeno sinks back into the cushions. Sometimes he wishes Renjun was a more comforting person, but maybe it’s better this way. No false hopes. No dreams.

 

 

Jeno hears the key turn in the lock, the door creaking open. Someone shuffles around in the entrance way and then tiptoes to the living room.

Jeno looks up at Jaemin, who’s standing in the doorway. ‘You’re back early.’

It’s clear that Jaemin’s drunk. His face is flushed, his features relaxed and the kind of peacefully happy they only are when he’s past tipsy. His hair is messed up and Jeno briefly wonders whose hands have done that this time. How many.

‘Had no reason to stay. I thought I told you not to wait,’ Jaemin replies but he’s grinning. Jeno hates and loves it when he looks like this: radiant, like he’s made of brighter stuff than everyone else.

‘Renjun just left.’

‘Renjun? Damn. What did I miss?’

‘Nothing. We watched the repetition of Hell’s Kitchen.’

‘Who won?’

‘You don’t remember the names anyway.’

Jaemin laughs, leaning his shoulder against the door frame. ‘You going to sleep now?’

Jeno nods and gets up. Jaemin follows him to the bathroom on slightly wobbly legs, giggling when Jeno steadies him, and they brush their teeth together in familiar silence.

Jaemin goes to their room first. Jeno takes out his contact lenses, washes his face, listens to Jaemin bump into something and then swear in a whiny voice. It makes him smile, despite everything.

When Jeno comes into the room Jaemin is already in his bed, flat on his face and out like a light on top of his blanket. Jeno looks at him for just a moment the way he only rarely lets himself, takes in his placid face, one cheek squished against the mattress. His eyelashes are so dark and pretty and it makes Jeno think about that one time years ago when Jaemin had given him a butterfly kiss, fluttery and tickling against his cheekbone.

Jeno remembers how his heart had sped up at their closeness, something strange and foreign waking up in his chest, back when he was slowly figuring out what all of it meant – the sleepless nights spent thinking of Jaemin, the dreams, the weird sensation Jeno got whenever Jaemin laughed about something he said.

Now, so many years later, Jaemin still has the same effect on him, even when he’s asleep.

Jeno almost reaches out to feel Jaemin’s soft skin under his fingertips but he doesn’t. He knows what it all means now. Knows he can’t have it.

But that’s okay. It’s okay to just be friends, Jeno tells himself. He’ll take the quiet moments when Jaemin isn’t looking, the small time frames in which Jeno lets himself sink into the thoughts he otherwise tries not to entertain.

One last look. One last glance over Jaemin’s delicate features, his wide shoulders, the steady rise and fall of his breathing.

Jeno grabs the corners of Jaemin’s blanket, yanks it out from under his body and throws it over him instead. Then Jeno goes to sleep, too.

 

 

It’s one thing to share a flat and a room with your best friend. It’s another thing when you’re in love with him.

Jeno doesn’t know what he was thinking when he agreed; he doesn’t remember talking about it at all. Maybe they never did.

‘I might bring someone home tomorrow,’ Jaemin informs him over breakfast. He looks like a mess, dark circles under his eyes, face uncharacteristically pale. His voice is rough but Jeno would be lying if he said that wasn’t attractive.

‘Okay,’ he says. ‘I’ll stay at Mark’s then, probably.’

Jaemin glances up. ‘You don’t have to leave, she’s just a friend. She can stay in the living room; we’re just gonna hang out, really.’

 _If that was the case would you really warn me_ , Jeno thinks but doesn’t say it. ‘It’s cool. I don’t wanna get in the way.’ _I don’t wanna watch you kiss someone else again_.

Jaemin grins and blows him a flying kiss. ‘You’re the best.’

‘I know,’ Jeno sighs. ‘You don’t deserve me.’

 

 

‘He doesn’t deserve you,’ Seulgi tells him later that day. She’s the only other person aside from Renjun who knows about Jaemin and she’s also the only person who’s at least a little sympathetic.

Jeno is not sure how she found out. Their friendship started when Jeno needed a tutor in the beginning of first year and she’s wormed her way into his life as a sort of overprotective older sister. More protective, at least, than his actual sister, but probably just as nosy.

‘I know,’ Jeno says. ‘I should move on and ditch him.’

‘Like you could.’

‘I want to.’

She makes a pensive face. ‘I could set you up with Yerim?’

‘Please don’t.’

‘Have you ever thought about telling him?’

Jeno blinks. ‘If you had a thing for your childhood best friend, would you want to ruin it by confessing something pointless?’

‘Fair enough,’ Seulgi gives in and ruffles his hair. ‘I just hate seeing you suffer. I wish Jaemin was a little more laid back at least, so – oh, speak of the devil. I swear he senses it when someone’s talking about him.’

Jeno turns around to see Jaemin saunter over to them. He stops behind Jeno’s chair and Jeno feels his hands on his shoulders as he looks back down on his papers. ‘What’s up, kids?’

‘We’re both older than you,’ Seulgi reminds him.

‘I don’t let that stop me,’ Jaemin gives back. ‘Why are you in the library anyway? The cafeteria’s selling brownies.’

‘Too expensive,’ Jeno points out. ‘Also some people have to study, you know.’

Jaemin leans down until his breath is tickling Jeno’s cheek, his arms locked across his collarbones. Jeno isn’t sure if he wants to push him off or pull him closer. He really hopes Jaemin doesn’t notice Seulgi’s expression.

‘You work too hard,’ Jaemin mutters. ‘Let me take you guys out for brownies.’

Seulgi sits up. ‘Actually, I have places to be. Jeno, just email me those papers when you’re done with them and I’ll check, okay?’ She throws them another smile and then hightails it out of there before Jeno can think of a good answer.

Jaemin’s throaty laugh is warm against Jeno’s skin. ‘I guess it’s just us, then.’

 

 

‘You’d love her,’ Jaemin says, stabbing his brownie with a spoon.

Jeno groans internally. He hears something along those lines every month, like clockwork, when Jaemin thinks he’s finally found someone who’s up to his standards. _You’ll love her, Jeno, she’s so sweet_ , or _he’s so funny, Jeno, you’d die laughing if we all hung out_.

Jeno never loves them.

‘What’s she like?’ he asks anyway. It’s what best friends do, after all.

Jaemin’s face lights up. ‘Do you want to see a picture?’

 _No_ , Jeno thinks. ‘Sure.’

Jaemin pulls up her Instagram.

She’s beautiful. Of course she is. Would she really catch Jaemin’s attention if she wasn’t? Jaemin’s just another guy after all. She’s blonde and sporty, plays tennis according to her posts and works out.

‘She looks nice,’ Jeno says.

‘She has a friend,’ Jaemin points out meaningfully, shoving his phone into Jeno’s face again. This picture shows the girl with another one, a brunette with a cute smile.

‘Most people do,’ Jeno replies just to be difficult and Jaemin rolls his eyes.

‘You know what I mean. If you come with me tomorrow I can introduce you.’

‘I told Seulgi I’d do the papers tomorrow.’

‘Just do them today and be done with it.’

They look at each other, both aware that Jeno just doesn’t want to, and Jaemin pouts. ‘You never come out with me anymore.’

‘Maybe because ten minutes in you ditch me to flirt with someone.’

‘It’s what you do at parties! You should try it some time.’

Jeno raises his eyebrows and Jaemin sighs. ‘Fine. Next week, just us bros. No girls, no guys. Just like in fresher’s week. I promise I won’t ditch you.’

‘Fine.’

Jaemin smiles. Jeno doesn’t trust him.

 

 

‘Dude, I’d let you stay over anytime,’ Mark tells him on the phone and Jeno’s heart sinks. ‘But I promised Hyuck…’

‘It’s cool,’ Jeno says.

‘Sorry, bro. What about Renjun?’ Mark asks.

‘Renjun doesn’t let people stay over when he has a nine am the next morning.’

‘That sucks.’

‘Whatever, man. I’ll find some place.’

Anywhere. Anywhere is better than his flat when Jaemin brings someone home. It’s not like anything ever happens but there’s this specific way of how Jaemin looks at whoever he has over. He doesn’t _exclude_ Jeno, but Jeno feels like an intruder anyway, feels unwanted.

And then there’s the jealously. Jeno tries to ignore it since he knows he has no chance, but it’s hard not to feel it burn in his stomach when Jaemin sits across from him, flirting blatantly with yet another someone.

He’d rather sleep on a bench in the park than go through this again.

 

 

Jeno ends up staying at the library. He mentally thanks whoever decided it should be open 24/7 and not for the first time. It seems to be in the nature of any normal student to leave everything until last minute and the opening times of the library have saved Jeno’s grades more than once.

Jeno thinks it’s mildly concerning that he doesn’t have enough friends to find somewhere to crash, but then again, he was too awkward to ask a lot of them. There are worse things than pulling an all-nighter here anyway.

 

 

It’s almost midnight when Jeno’s phone vibrates. At this hour the library contains only the most stressed students who throw him annoyed glances at the disrupting noise.

Jeno was on his second assignment and it was going well, which is why he checks the ID only with reluctance.

It’s Jaemin, though, so he picks up. ‘Hey.’

‘She ditched me,’ Jaemin says, obviously offended. ‘ _Me_. Can you believe that?’

Jeno’s first reaction is relief, immediately followed by shame and then, quietly, sympathy. ‘Shit, that sucks.’

‘That’s so rude. Not even I do that.’ Jaemin seems more annoyed than upset, really. ‘Sorry, did I wake you up? Is Mark there? Say hi from me.’

‘I’m not at Mark’s,’ Jeno says.  Someone behind him shushes him.

‘Huh? Then where are you?’

‘The library.’

‘The – what? Come home right now.’

Jeno sighs, waving goodbye to his assignment’s progress for today. ‘Be there in ten.’

 

 

Jaemin is sitting in the kitchen when Jeno comes in. There are dinner preparations: ingredients laid out, Jaemin’s favourite set of knives glinting on the cutting board, a line of spices on the counter next to the stove. He would have cooked for her, Jeno realises. She’s really missed out on something then.

‘Why were you at the library?’ Jaemin asks before Jeno can comment. There are two cups of tea on the table and Jaemin blows the steam off of one of them. Jeno figures the other one is meant for him.

He sits down. ‘I had nowhere else to go.’

‘What? I told you you could have stayed here.’

‘I wouldn’t crash your date.’

‘It wasn’t serious.’

‘You would’ve made dinner.’

They look at each other and Jaemin gives in. ‘Fine. But next time tell me when no one’s letting you stay over, so I can rearrange.’

‘Okay.’

They both sip their teas in silence for a while.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin shrugs. ‘I’m already over it. But I have all these things to make one amazing stew now, so please tell me you’re home tomorrow.’

‘I am.’ For Jaemin’s cooking Jeno would cancel just about everything.

For _Jaemin_ , he would.

 

 

With lectures to attend and papers to write and friends to hang out with, the week flies by. Jeno has already forgotten about going out with Jaemin until it’s suddenly Friday again and Jaemin reminds him early enough.

‘It’s going to be _fun_ ,’ Jaemin’s insisting now, throwing his shirt off to put another one on. Jeno watches the edges of his ribs and the soft dips of his spine appear and disappear under the fabric. It’s one of those things that feel normal as best friends but will never feel normal when you like someone. It’s hard to explain. ‘How do I look?’

Jeno considers the oversized shirt Jaemin’s wearing now, the white Adidas cap he’s putting on backwards, the low-sitting skinny jeans, his smirk. Jeno wants to thread his fingers through his belt loops and kiss him senseless. ‘Like a fuckboy. Can we leave?’

Jaemin checks himself in the mirror once again, clearly satisfied, and nods. ‘Let’s go.’

 

 

It takes approximately ten minutes and zero effort until Jaemin is flirting with someone. Jeno is standing next to him at the bar, waiting for their turn to order, listening to Jaemin exchange niceties with a girl who’s also waiting.

‘Who are you here with?’ Jaemin’s asking and – oh no.

Jaemin’s hand finds his arm before he can run. ‘This is my bro Jeno.’

‘Hi, Jeno,’ the girl says and beams at him. She’s tiny, doesn’t even reach his collarbone, and she’s cute. ‘I’m Hina.’

‘Hina just said she’s ordering drinks for her friends,’ Jaemin tells him. ‘I thought maybe we could join them.’

Jeno gives Jaemin a look, one that’s meant to say _you promised it’d be just us tonight_. Jaemin gives him one back that conveys _I’m just trying to help_.

Usually Jeno goes along with it. Jaemin really _does_ want to help, oblivious to the fact that he just makes it smart more, and it gives Jeno a cover to hide under.

But Jeno hates it. He was looking forward to having Jaemin to himself outside of their flat for once, which really doesn’t happen as often as you’d expect, but of course Jaemin would try this. Would try to push Jeno out of his comfort zone and make him meet new people. Would try to find him someone like the sweetheart that he is when Jeno’s been stuck on the same person for so long he doesn’t remember how to like anyone else.

‘Go ahead,’ Jeno says curtly. ‘I’ll run to the restroom real quick.’

Jaemin doesn’t buy it, of course he doesn’t. He knows Jeno inside out, save for that one thing. ‘I’ll come with. See you in a sec, Hina!’

 

 

Jeno kicks the door open, Jaemin’s hand burning on his shoulder.

‘Why are you always doing this?’ Jaemin demands. ‘Shutting people out before you even give them a chance?’

‘I’m not looking for anyone,’ Jeno replies and shrugs Jaemin off. ‘You said it’d just be us today.’

‘I’m just trying to help you here.’

‘I don’t _want_ your help.’

Jaemin frowns. ‘I don’t get it. How are you supposed to – don’t you want to go out with anyone? I mean, this is _uni_ , Jeno. It’s all about the experience but all you do is hang out at home and study. What the hell, man? There’s so many amazing people here and you could have so much _fun_ if you let yourself, I just want you to enjoy –‘

‘I’m not _you_ ,’ Jeno snaps. He’s so tired of this, always hiding, hiding, hiding. Pretending he doesn’t want anything when Jeno wants so _badly_ – just not something he can have. Some _one_. ‘I don’t want this, I don’t think it’s fun, I _like_ hanging out at home!’

‘Why didn’t you tell me then?’

‘I’ve been telling you for ages but you never fucking listen.’

They look at each other and Jeno watches Jaemin soften, feels how that soothes him.

‘Okay,’ Jaemin says. ‘Okay, alright. Wanna go home and watch the Bachelorette instead?’

This is why they’re still best friends. Why Jeno hasn’t moved on. Jaemin always pushes him but he means well and in the end he’s the one who knows Jeno best. ‘Yeah.’

 

 

Jeno should have known that Jaemin wasn’t done with him. They are halfway through the episode and Jaemin’s resting his head on Jeno’s chest because he likes doing that when he asks, ‘Why do you hate going out so much?’

‘I don’t hate it,’ Jeno evades.

‘But you never do it. And when you do you don’t really talk to people, even though so many try to flirt with you. Don’t you ever miss just kissing someone?’ Jaemin goes on.

Jeno exhales, wills his heart to slow down. It doesn’t listen. ‘You can’t miss what you don’t know.’

The regret is immediate. Jaemin jerks up, grabs the remote and pauses the show, staring straight at Jeno. Here it comes.

‘Lee Jeno,’ he drawls. ‘Are you telling me you’ve never kissed anyone before?’

Jeno shrugs, refusing to meet Jaemin’s eyes. This is dangerous territory and he’s been avoiding it for a reason. Jeno doesn’t want to talk to Jaemin about this; it just makes it harder to lie. Harder than it already is.

‘How did I not know about this?’ Jaemin asks, his finger digging into Jeno’s thigh. ‘I thought you said you kissed Hyunjin.’

‘I said I went out with her.’

‘Damn. If I’d known that I wouldn’t have given Hina up so early. Aren’t you curious?’

Jeno makes the mistake of looking up. Jaemin seems genuinely worried and also agitated, twisting the fabric of Jeno’s sweats. It makes him even more nervous.

‘Of course I am,’ Jeno admits.

‘It’s still early. We can go back and –‘

‘No. I mean, you can go if you want but – I’m not about that wild life.’

Jaemin looks like he wants to say more but slowly settles back down on Jeno’s chest, unpausing the episode. They watch how the bachelorette kisses someone in an expensive looking swimming pool, watch the night of roses when she sorts out the guys she doesn’t like. It seems like such a strange concept when you think about it first, but it’s not actually that different from real life.

‘Is it because you’re scared?’ Jaemin asks quietly.

‘It’s because I haven’t found anyone I want to kiss,’ Jeno lies.

‘Maybe if you went out more you would.’

‘Jaemin.’

‘I’m just saying. And also, there’s nothing wrong with practicing. You know, so you can make sure you actually know what you’re doing when you find someone you really like.’

That’s exactly the kind of logic Jeno expected from Jaemin. ‘Maybe. But I’m – I’m not like you. I can’t just go up to strangers, talk to them for five minutes and magically want to kiss them. I just – I couldn’t do that. Kiss someone I don’t know, not even for curiosity’s sake. And it’s not like anyone I know would like, _teach_ me how to kiss, either. That’d be weird. So I’m just going to wait.’ _Wait until I don’t love you anymore_.

‘Well, aren’t you lucky to be friends with Na Jaemin, the legend himself,’ Jaemin says and sits up.

‘What?’ Jeno doesn’t like where this is going. At all. His breathing picks up before Jaemin even says the rest.

Jaemin’s grin looks predatory, a shark in familiar waters. ‘You know, I'm pretty good at kissing…’

Jeno’s heart palpitates at the implication. ‘What are you even saying?’

‘We’re best friends, we’re pretty close, I’ve already kissed your face several times in different spots already; there wouldn’t be anything to worry about. I wouldn't mind teaching you if you're cool with that. You know, as bros. No strings attached. A one-time offer only.’

Jeno knows he should say no, shoot it down immediately before the idea manifests into something real. He knows he should say something like _won't that make things awkward_ or _this is absolutely ridiculous, what the fuck_. He knows he should decline simply to save his heart but what can he do? Jaemin has just offered to be his first kiss and Jeno is weak and worn out from years of wishing for this.

It’s just one kiss anyway. Jeno will take it, regret it, then lock it away deep in his heart until it’s a dusty memory to look back on fondly. Maybe it will give him closure.

‘Um,’ Jeno mutters, folding his hands so Jaemin won’t see how they shake. ‘O-okay?’

The nonchalance falls off Jaemin’s face. ‘What?’

Jeno’s heart falls out of his chest, crashes to the floor for Jaemin to stomp on. ‘Were you kidding? I’m sor–’

‘No,’ Jaemin hurries and huffs out a surprised laugh. ‘I just didn't expect you to say yes.’

‘Oh.’

Jaemin’s smile is back. He touches Jeno’s knee and leans closer. ‘Cool. So you wanna try now?’

Jeno’s breath catches in his chest and that’s not good, that can’t be good. He has to get out of here. ‘I, uh, have to go to sleep now. But tomorrow, maybe? Next week?’

Jaemin laughs and Jeno has the terrible feeling that he can see right through him.

‘Alright, tomorrow.’

 

 

The next day, Jeno’s not sure if he hasn’t just imagined everything. It wouldn’t be the first dream he had about this kind of thing and it sure as hell wouldn’t be the weirdest. Jaemin hasn’t said anything about it all morning, so maybe Jeno’s imagination is just getting extra delusional. Maybe he should get it checked.

But then Jaemin finds him in the living room where he’s watching YouTube videos on their TV. There’s something in his expression that reminds Jeno of how he looks at the people he flirts with and it makes him feel queasy and a little bit like prey.

Jaemin flops down next to him, already way too close. There hasn’t ever been a _too close_ with Jaemin before but they are about to venture into new waters, waters Jeno shouldn’t even be testing. He already knows he’s about to drown. But here they are anyway. ‘So, Jeno. Have you changed your mind?’

He can say yes. He can still escape this, escape something he’d probably never get over.

But Jeno has waited too long to save himself now. Has wished and wanted and pleaded fate to give him _something_. Now here it is, handed to him on a silver plate.

Jaemin grins. ‘I wouldn’t say no to me, either.’

Jeno knows it’s a mistake the second right before Jaemin’s lips touch his but it’s already too late.

Jaemin is kissing him. Jeno’s had years of imagination, years of embarrassing fantasies, years of daydreams to prepare himself, but nothing compares to the real thing. Jeno feels like he's flying and being crushed into the earth at once. Jaemin’s touch grounds him like it has always done but it's different, too, maybe because there's no room for Jeno to run away to, no place for him to hide his feelings in. This is bare and pure and it hurts in a way Jeno doesn’t know how to describe, like something inside him is being torn out by the roots.

And it feels right. It’s the wrong thing to do because nothing in Jeno’s life has ever felt so perfect and it's the one thing he's going to have to walk away from, still trying to be just friends.

Jaemin pulls away and Jeno can’t tell how long it’s been.

‘You, my friend, don’t need much practice,’ Jaemin says easily. He sits back, licking his lips and Jeno can’t help but watch him do it.

‘Anyways, I’m gonna get some groceries now,’ Jaemin declares. It’s like they’ve been sitting here watching YouTube together, not kissing. ‘Any requests?’

Jeno can’t remember a single dish. Or word. His skin feels tingly, like it doesn’t fit on his body anymore. He shakes his head.

‘Right.’ Jaemin gets up. His hand brushes Jeno’s knee as he does. ‘I’ll see you later then.’

Jaemin sweeps through the flat like a summer breeze and vanishes. Jeno’s heart shudders in his chest for a long time after that, wondering how Jaemin was able to be so casual after kissing his best friend. Jeno wishes he could do the same: pretend this was nothing.

But he can’t. He can’t. This was the mistake he’s been waiting years to make and it’s finally, finally here. He’s the most stupid person on earth.

 

 

Dinner is blueberry pancakes. They are mostly silent and Jeno still doesn’t taste anything except Jaemin’s mouth. He hopes it will go away soon. He tries to wonder about how Jaemin even has money for blueberries, but then again, Jaemin has a weird sense of priority when it comes to food. He buys Jeno’s favourite jelly  even when it’s not on sale. When he knows Jeno is stressed, he cooks Jeno’s favourite dishes.

Sometimes he makes these blueberry pancakes, just how they used to eat them as kids at his grandmother’s house, legs tucked underneath the table and stealing each other’s whipped cream.

‘Hey,’ Jaemin starts eventually. ‘Nothing changed between us, right? I mean, because of the kiss thing.’

Jeno looks at Jaemin. He seems neutral, like he doesn’t care at all, returning Jeno’s gaze with a quiet kind of indifference. Just making sure.

Jeno wants to say, _how can you ask that of me? How can you kiss me like that without meaning it? How can you expect me to not feel any different? Friends don’t make out, not even to teach. They just don’t do that_.

‘No,’ Jeno says. ‘Nothing’s changed.’

 

 

‘Jaemin told me something,’ Renjun begins, folding his arms. For someone so short he looks really intimidating right now and Jeno is starting to regret that he obeyed his strongly worded text to meet up. ‘Something so ridiculous I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t know you.’

‘Just do it,’ Jeno says miserably. ‘Just tell me I’m stupid.’

‘You’re stupid,’ Renjun tells him drily. ‘Incredibly so, but so is Jaemin for thinking he can just do this like it’s not gonna change things.’

‘What do you mean? He doesn’t know that I like him.’ Jeno’s heart makes a painful lurch. ‘I mean, I hope…’

‘No, you idiot. I mean, you don’t kiss your best friend. Would you kiss me? No. I wouldn’t kiss any of you, not even for practice. Not even drunk. Not even if I was drunk _and_ desperate –‘

‘Okay, yeah, I get it.’

‘What I’m saying is, Jaemin is going to regret this as much as you do because things are going to be different between you. So prepare yourself.’

Jeno’s been waiting for it for years, the moment when things change. Now he knows that it’s about to happen he’s not ready at all. ‘Fuck.’

‘Who knows,’ Renjun muses. ‘Maybe it was time that something happened.’

 

 

Jeno often thinks about the kind of guys Jaemin goes out with. It had taken Jaemin a while to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t straight, longer than Jeno, and it had taken even more time until he started asking guys out, but he did get there. Jeno watched him learn it, watched him grow confident and therefore ten times more attractive than he’d already been. That’s when it really started to hurt, Jeno figures.

Jaemin always introduces the ones he thinks will last longer than one kiss.

‘I want your approval,’ he keeps saying and every time Jeno wonders what he would do if he knew how cruel that is, to make Jeno judge. To push people into Jeno’s face that have what he wants, that are good enough for him when Jeno somehow isn’t, when he’s both more and less, stuck as the best friend. Jeno thinks he should be used to it by now. He never is.

The bitter side of him wants to disapprove of all of them, knowing Jaemin would listen to him. But Jeno isn’t selfish enough yet and doesn’t want to abuse Jaemin’s trust.

And with Jaemin it never lasts anyway.

It’s superficially the same type: athletic, handsome, mostly nice. There’s Jaehyun and then Ten, who somehow stay friends with Jaemin and Jeno. There’s Lucas, a giant human puppy, who Jeno thinks might have been too kind for Jaemin.

It’s not like Jaemin’s terrible to them. It’s just that to him it’s clear that it’s never gonna last but to the others it isn’t and Jeno knows it’s really easy to fall for Jaemin’s charms. He’s easy-going and interesting and affectionate, always bordering somewhere on the spectrum between adorable and awfully hot. Sometimes Jeno feels like he should warn them somehow. Sometimes he thinks he fits Jaemin’s type, too, and wonders if Jaemin would flirt with him if they weren’t best friends.

It must hurt, to be found by someone like Jaemin and then be thrown away, but not as much as it does to grow up with him and fall in love with every single bit of him over the years, knowing you’ll never be more.

Jeno’s sympathy is limited.

 

 

‘How’s it going with Jaemin?’ Seulgi asks casually and marks something on Jeno’s paper. There’s a lot of red today.

Jeno considers lying but it _hurts_ and he feels like whining and letting himself be dramatic. No one can blame him, really. He doesn’t have a coping mechanism, or an outlet. He never gets a break from Jaemin, either, being best friends and roommates and all. ‘He kissed me.’

The pen jerks, scratches a fat red line across the whole page. ‘He _what_? Jeno, that’s amazing, why are you just telling me now!? Are you –‘

‘We’re not together. He doesn’t like me like that,’ Jeno clarifies. Seulgi just stares at him with eyes as huge as dinner plates, so he gives her the explanation. It sounds even more stupid when he’s saying it himself and his face burns with embarrassment. He wishes he’d kept quiet.

‘I have never in my entire life heard something more idiotic,’ Seulgi declares. ‘But maybe it will make him realise that he’s actually in love with you or something.’

Jeno snorts joylessly. ‘Yeah, right.’

Seulgi laughs, too, but turns serious quickly. ‘Honestly, though. You have to stop.’

‘I know.’

‘I mean it. I know it feels nice and everything but you’ll get hurt. More than you are now.’

‘Thanks for your advice, big sis,’ Jeno says and rolls his eyes. ‘But he’s done teaching me things. It was a one-time event only, so don’t worry.’

 

 

Jaemin bursts into their room, startling Jeno where he’s reading on his bed.  ‘Today I'm teaching you how to make out properly.’

Jeno gapes at him, already overwhelmed. ‘I – I thought I didn't need practice.’

Jaemin waves him off. ‘That was just a peck, it was nothing. Come on.’

Jeno can't say no, not when Jaemin is already advancing on him. Jaemin takes his book away, marks the page, then quickly does the same to Jeno’s glasses with impatient hands.

Jeno lets Jaemin push him back until he's leaning against the wall, lets Jaemin crowd up against him until there's barely any space between them. It feels weird for a frozen second, when Jeno’s painfully aware that they’ve been best friends since forever and Jeno’s the only one in love. There’s no reciprocation, this is just an experiment, one that’s destined to go wrong.

Then Jaemin leans in and kisses him again.

It's not like the first time. Jeno can immediately tell that this is different, more somehow, perhaps _too_ much. Jaemin is more insistent, more confident, more demanding. He licks at Jeno’s lips until he parts them in surprise and Jaemin uses his confusion to slip his tongue into his mouth.

It all happens so fast. Jeno feels like he can't breathe, like there's a fire in his chest that devours all the oxygen he's trying to suck in. He’s burning up wherever Jaemin touches him and Jeno doesn't ever want this to stop. He wants Jaemin to press closer, make Jeno feel like he’s something valuable to him, wants to feel like this means something.

But it doesn't. He remembers it doesn't. Jaemin is teaching him something out of the goodness of his heart because he’s is impulsive and Jeno was stupid enough to say yes.

He pulls away with a shuddering breath. Jaemin is looking at him with dark hooded eyes, too close and too intense. He's panting, too, and Jeno doesn't know if that means anything. Doesn’t know how to say _please stop_ when not a single fibre in his being wants to.

'Pretty good,' Jaemin breathes and grins, leaning back and finally releasing Jeno from the unbearable tension.

Jeno can't say anything, can only look at Jaemin. His heart is beating so fast his entire chest hurts.

'Hey,' Jaemin says. 'If you want to stop just tell me.'

'I don't want to stop,' Jeno blurts out before he can think about it.

'I was hoping you'd say that,' Jaemin whispers. ‘Because I'm bored and kissing is fun. You learn so fast.' Then he leans back in and kisses Jeno again and Jeno can’t do anything but surrender.

 

 

Jeno had cried about it once, back when he was sixteen. It had hit him then, the helplessness, the hopelessness. The realisation of how no matter what he did Jaemin would never like him like that. And, at sixteen, it had felt like the end of the world to Jeno and he'd been on his bed, face pressed into the sheets to hide the sobs wracking his body, a pillow pressed against his stomach in a weak attempt to fill the terrible void there. It had been so embarrassing in hindsight and he'd never done it again.

Well, until now.

Because now the variables have changed. Now Jeno got what he wished for, got his first kiss from the one person he’s always wanted it from, but it hurts more than anything because this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

Jeno tries to blink the tears away. Jaemin is still in the flat and he never knocks and if he sees Jeno like this he'll know and Jeno can't let that happen, not after so long.

Jeno inhales, exhales. His mouth still feels swollen and he wants to scream, remembering how Jaemin’s teeth had grazed his bottom lip not even ten minutes ago.

He gets up, locks himself in the bathroom because that’s safer. It’s a good call because two minutes later he hears Jaemin barge into the room, humming out of tune while Jeno’s pressing his back against the cold tiles, trying not to hyperventilate. ‘Jeno?’

‘Hm?’

‘Renjun’s asking if we want to come have lunch with him and Mark.’

‘Um. Sure. I – I’ll just shower, alright?’

‘Okay.’ Jaemin’s voice is a lot closer to the door now. ‘Are you okay, though? You sound weird. We don’t have to go if you’re not feeling up for it.’

 _Fuck being in love with your best friend_ , Jeno thinks. ‘I’m fine.’

 

 

Renjun’s eyes jump from Jeno to Jaemin and back repeatedly, like he’s trying to figure something out. Jeno would like to know what he sees. If it’s obvious how much Jeno regrets it and how awkward it is for him to sit here with Jaemin’s hand resting on his thigh, having to pretend that they never kissed.

He wonders if Renjun sees a change in Jaemin because Jeno doesn’t. He can’t; he’s trying not to look at him much. It’s too dangerous right now.

‘What have you guys been up to?’ Mark asks.

‘Oh, you know.’ Jaemin’s grip on Jeno’s thigh tightens. ‘The usual.’

 

 

They go out together that weekend – Jaemin, Jeno, Mark, Hyuck and Renjun – and it’s a good time. They dance without letting themselves be embarrassed and drink like tomorrow doesn’t matter. Jeno kind of feels like it doesn’t. He sees Jaemin float away from their group and come back, watches Mark and Donghyuck exchange those glances only they understand until Donghyuck drags Mark home. He drinks until it doesn’t hurt as much, but not enough to pass out.

Eventually it’s just Renjun and Jeno, Jaemin having run off again. They are both drunk now but not the kind that makes you happy or uninhibited. At least that’s how Jeno feels.

‘I think I’m gonna go home,’ Renjun says. ‘Wanna come?’

‘What about Jaemin?’ Jeno asks.

Renjun gives him a heavy look but Jeno can’t figure out the meaning. The floor feels wonky underneath his feet, like it wants him to sink right into it. ‘Ditch him. He’ll know his way around.’

‘I’ll wait for him.’

‘Don’t let him hurt you.’ Renjun leaves. Jeno thinks it was pointless to say that. It comes way too late.

 

 

Jaemin is punch drunk when he comes back to Jeno, unsteady and joyful. There’s a darker edge to his gaze, though, and it makes Jeno careful. He excuses himself to the guy he’s been talking to and drags Jaemin away from the crowd.

‘Do you want to go home?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin’s not listening. He’s looking at Jeno’s mouth and then up at his eyes and the dark thing is sharper now. ‘Hey, Jeno. Wanna make out?’

Jeno sort of knew this question was coming but it still takes him aback, which is bad because Jaemin considers no answer an answer, too. His hands are heavy on Jeno’s shoulders and one wanders around his neck until he can bury it in Jeno’s hair to pull him closer.

 _He’s drunk_ , Jeno thinks frantically, trying to detach himself. _He’s drunk, I’m drunk, we can’t do this_.

But Jaemin takes Jeno’s craned back head as an invitation to kiss his jawline instead and – that’s bad. That’s _bad_ and it feels too good. Jeno’s eyes flutter shut on their own accord and he feels himself melt away under Jaemin’s warm hands. Jaemin’s mouth finds his, the grip in his hair tightening.

Jaemin tastes like Tequila and something spicy. He pushes Jeno back against the wall until they’re pressed together and Jeno feels Jaemin’s abs tense under his hands before he realises he’s holding Jaemin’s waist. He lets go like he got burned, presses at Jaemin’s shoulders until Jaemin finally gets the hint.

‘You – you’re drunk,’ Jeno grits out.

‘Was my intention for today,’ Jaemin slurs. He’s still close, leaning against Jeno’s arms like he’s hoping for Jeno to give in. Jeno wants to but he can’t.

‘We should go home.’

‘I’m not done having fun.’

‘But I am. And I’m not leaving you here.’

‘Kiss me.’

‘No.’

Jaemin’s fingers wrap around Jeno’s wrists. ‘I hate it when you reject me.’

 _Then don’t ask this of me_ , Jeno thinks. _Don’t ask_. ‘I’m taking you home.’

 

 

Sometimes when Jaemin’s really drunk he turns into a baby. Sometimes he insists on sleeping in Jeno’s bed and even though he pushes the pillows off the mattress and hogs the blanket Jeno usually lets him, for several reasons. It has always been okay. Comfortable, even. They both like closeness, though Jaemin demands it more often.

But it’s different now, when Jaemin’s crossed the line and his drunk self thinks kisses are included. It’s different when Jaemin tries to push Jeno into the corner, so close that Jeno can feel every part of his body where they’re touching, and Jeno only has so much self-control.

Jeno _wants_. How can he say no to something he’s always wanted when it comes to him so easily? When the drunk little devil on his shoulder whispers _give in give in give in_ into his ears?

He _could_ have it but he can’t. Kissing Jaemin would barely be acceptable if he was sober but he isn’t, so Jeno has to say no.

But it’s so hard. Jaemin knows all of Jeno’s weaknesses, even drunk. He trails his fingers over his sides and mouths at Jeno’s jaw, a scrape of teeth on his jugular, his lips on his throat. He keeps Jeno a prisoner in a place between yearning and regret, and it’s so, so hard to escape.

‘I’ll get some water,’ Jeno finally breathes out and stumbles off the bed quickly. Jaemin, his movements sluggish, doesn’t follow.

Jeno doesn’t come back. He steals the sheets off Jaemin’s bed in passing and then shuts the door, creating a makeshift bed on the living room couch.

He feels like every single one of Jaemin’s touches left scorching track marks on his skin and the burn keeps him awake all night.

 

 

Jaemin doesn’t remember it. He sits in the living room, bent over a bowl of chicken soup that he’s too sick to eat, and complains about his headache.

Jeno doesn’t want to hear it anymore. There’s a small purple bruise on his neck that hurts down to the bone whenever he thinks about it. ‘I’m going for a walk.’

‘Can you run me a bubble bath when you’re back?’ Jaemin asks. He sounds miserable but Jeno feels like shit himself.

‘No,’ he says. ‘Do it yourself.’

Jaemin makes another whining sound. ‘But yours are better.’

That’s true. Jaemin always uses too much soap and their tiny bathtub ends up overflowing with foam. ‘Be nice and ask me again later.’

‘I love you, Jeno,’ Jaemin sing-songs after him. Jeno almost wants to laugh. How blissful, he thinks, when you don’t have to be aware of how you’re hurting someone.

 

 

Jeno does end up running the bath, more out of fear that Jaemin will ruin the flat instead of kindness. It’s not really a problem. What _is_ the problem is Jaemin calling him into the bathroom after getting into the tub.

Jaemin’s lit some scented candles, stuff with pretentious names like Warm Luxe Cashmere and Juicy Citrus Sea Salt, because he likes shit like that. His eyes are closed, body submerged up to his chest, but his knees are sticking out over the foam because he’s too tall.

‘What else do you want?’ Jeno asks. He stays in the door.

Jaemin opens his eyes. ‘Your company.’

‘What if I told you I’m busy?’

‘I know you’re not.’

‘Fine.’ Jeno crosses the room and sits down on the little stool they usually use to throw clothes and used towels on. He hears the water lap against the tub walls when Jaemin moves but he doesn’t look.

‘Where did you get that hickey from?’ Jaemin asks. He sounds both curious and taken aback. Jeno figures he’s noticed it for the first time today.

Jeno touches it carefully, pressing a finger against it, remembering what it was like to have Jaemin’s mouth there. Yet another memory he never thought he’d have, never thought he’d want to forget. ‘That was you.’

‘ _Me_? Wow. I was really drunk yesterday, huh? Sorry about that.’

‘Don’t worry. You were easy enough to detach.’

Jaemin snorts. ‘I guess.’

Jeno feels more uncomfortable with every second. Something here feels wrong, too personal, even though it’s not the first time they hang out like this.

‘I think I met someone yesterday,’ Jaemin says quietly. ‘There’s a new contact in my phone saved as ‘cutie’ but I have no idea who it is.’

Jeno tries to recall the people Jaemin’s been with yesterday. A girl, the kind that goes around talking to people to find someone to take home. A guy who just wanted to dance. Another guy, tall and friendly, who made Jaemin smile in a way that burned in Jeno’s guts.

‘Do you think I should text them?’ Jaemin asks.

‘Well, drunk you seemed to think they were worth the number,’ Jeno replies and leans back against the cool tiles.

They sit around for a while, surrounded by the sound of water whenever Jaemin changes positions, the overwhelming smells of the scented candles, Jaemin’s familiar presence. It reminds Jeno of when they were just kids, young and small enough to take baths together at one of their houses. Growing up almost like brothers, except things have been different for Jeno since he was thirteen.

‘You know, every time I find someone I think this is it,’ Jaemin starts. ‘This is what being in love feels like. But it’s – it’s like there’s always something missing. Like it’s right in front of me but I can’t reach it and I never understand. I don’t think I’ve ever really liked anyone that much.’

‘One day when you find that person you’ll know it’s the real deal,’ Jeno replies. ‘Who knows, it might be that number.’

‘But how can I tell? That it’s the real deal?’

Jeno exhales slowly, heart squeezed tight like a desperate fist. Bitterness sticks to the roof of his mouth. ‘You’ll just know. You’ll look at that person like they are everything you see and you’ll want to spend all your time with them and it’s – nothing else matters when they’re around. You’ll watch them do the simplest things, like they can be chilling on a couch sorting socks and they’ll still make you go, ah, this is right, this is why no one else has ever made sense. It’s – I can’t explain. It’s just a feeling. It’s in your bones.’

‘Damn. You’ve been in love before and didn’t tell me?’

Jeno feels cornered. He could tell the truth and say yes but then Jaemin would ask who and Jeno would have to make something up. Or he could lie and pretend he knows from books and songs like everybody else.

He settles for the safest answer. ‘I don’t know. It’s just what I think.’

‘Well, if you’re not sure it wasn’t the real deal.’ When Jaemin laughs the foam spills over the edge of the tub, lapping at Jeno’s feet.

 

 

Jisung, being two years younger, is still in high school, but Jeno likes hanging out with him anyway because it's so simple. High school seemed messy when he was in it but that was before he knew what university was like. Now he wishes he'd appreciated it a little more: how everything is laid out for you and you just have to do the work. At uni, you have to do everything – teach yourself the material, keep up with your schedule, pay bills, maintain a social life and somehow keep yourself alive as well. It's exhausting.

Jisung complains about some surprise quiz for a while before he gives Jeno a sharp look.

‘You’re extra quiet today. What's up?' he asks.

'It's nothing,' Jeno lies. 'I'm just tired.'

'Tired of Jaemin's bullshit?'

Jeno stares and Jisung shrugs. ‘He was here last week. He bought me and Chenle lunch, what was I supposed to do? He was complaining, too.'

'About what?'

'About life. About how you never go out with him anymore. Says he misses you when you’re right there. How he wants something that holds but he never meets anyone he wants to keep. He said he's tired of fooling around.'

'Maybe if he's tired of it he should stop doing it.'

'Maybe he should open his eyes and realise he’s already found someone.'

They look at each other and Jeno wills down the sense of validation and the embarrassment. 'It's not like that.'

Jisung raises an eyebrow. 'That's really hard to believe with the way you talk about each other.'

'You're not really best friends unless someone thinks you're dating. You should know. You have Chenle.'

Jisung makes a face and Jeno knows he’s won this time. 'Fair enough.'

 

 

Jeno doesn’t remember falling in love with Jaemin. It’s just in his core, as normal as breathing, if more painful, like he woke up one day and finally understood. Kind of like, _ah, this is what’s happening_. _This is why he’s always been different_.

It’s been like this for so long that Jeno doesn’t know anymore what it was like without it. It’s kind of funny, because he doesn’t remember a life before Jaemin, either.

He’s had crushes on other people, too, though. Really, that’s the one thing that gives him hope that one day he’ll get over Jaemin: his ability to still like others, even if it’s never quite the same. He can’t tell whether that’s because Jaemin’s something special or because he doesn’t let the others be more than crushes.

It doesn’t matter anyway. Right now there’s no one else to distract Jeno and Jaemin’s standing in front of him, looking uncharacteristically nervous with that stupid, shy smile on his face.

‘Are you sure you’re okay with it?’ he asks Jeno.

 _No, I’m not, I don’t wanna do this_. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

‘I don’t know, you were kinda frowning –‘

‘Let’s just go. If I don’t like him I’ll tell you.’

Jaemin grins but he seems a little flustered. ‘I hope you’ll like him, though.’

Jeno already knows he won’t. He hopes there’s a different reason to hate this guy that Jaemin is about to introduce, one that’s better than ‘you have what I’ve always wanted’.

 

 

As it turns out, there is not a single thing Jeno can hate about Kim Jungwoo, which makes him despise him even more.

Jungwoo is tall and soft, smile corners etching into his face whenever Jaemin says anything. He’s funny, too, and adorably awkward and he looks shy but really isn’t. He says cheesy shit that gives Jaemin a run for his money and it sets off every alarm bell in Jeno’s head, this time not only because of jealousy.

It’s because he’s the same as Jaemin: sweet, affectionate, flirty with everyone who doesn’t run away. Seemingly innocent but not necessarily trustworthy.

It’s the first time in a long time that Jaemin actually seems interested in someone for longer than ten minutes. It hurts but right now it hurts more to know that Jungwoo will probably move on and leave Jaemin the way he usually leaves people himself: easily, without a second thought, like it’s the end of a meaningless game.

 

 

‘So what do you think?’ Jaemin asks him afterwards when they’ve paid for their coffee and Jungwoo has left. It’s painfully obvious how much Jaemin likes him, how much he wants Jeno to confirm for him that Jungwoo is a good guy. Jeno almost feels bad that he can’t do that. Almost.

‘He’s really nice.’ He hesitates. ‘But I think you should be careful.’

Jaemin doesn’t hide his surprise. ‘What? Why?’

‘Because he’s like you.’

‘What’s that mean?’

‘Just – just make sure it’s as serious to him as it is to you.’

‘But I’m not even sure if I want it to be serious.’

It’s Jeno’s turn to be surprised. ‘You’re not?’

Jaemin worries at his bottom lip. He seems to be thinking something through before he continues. ‘I mean, I wanna try this out. Because he’s – he makes me feel things but he’s not the real deal. Not yet? I don’t know, I’ve been thinking about what you said and I _want_ that. I just don’t know if it’s him. I guess we’ll see.’

‘Oh. Okay.’

‘Are you worried he’ll hurt me?’

‘A little.’

Jaemin grins and throws his arm around Jeno’s shoulder. ‘Always so protective. But don’t worry; you know I don’t get hurt easily. Not by this, anyway.’

Jeno hates himself for being relieved.

 

 

It takes two weeks until they – Jungwoo, Jaemin, and Jeno – realise that Jungwoo is actually more interested in Lucas than in Jaemin. Jeno almost feels like pitying Lucas; he’s too nice for his own good, too naïve to realise when someone’s playing with him. Jeno really hopes this time Jungwoo means it.

Jaemin sulks about it for a day and as always Jeno makes him hot chocolate and tells him how Jungwoo never deserved him anyway, says one day he’ll find the right person. Jaemin asks what if he doesn’t and Jeno says, one day you will just because you’re you, and it feels so much like a confession that it paralyses Jeno for a moment. But Jaemin hugs him, tells him he’s his best friend and takes Jeno’s cup to refill it.

Not much later Jaemin has pushed his own ego a little and then he’s back to his old self. He’ll go out and find someone else, Jeno thinks. Find someone new to introduce to him, someone else who’ll never be good enough for either of them.

But Jaemin stays in. He makes Jeno help him with the soft tofu stew and when they watch a Nicolas Sparks movie Jeno realises that maybe this hit Jaemin more than he let on.

‘Are you okay?’ he asks. Jaemin’s leaning into his shoulder again because he always has to be close somehow. Jeno doesn’t mind; he knows Jaemin gives and seeks comfort through physical touch, but something about it seems worse today. More melancholy.

‘Yeah,’ Jaemin says. It’s quiet for a while before he speaks again. ‘I’ve been thinking… there’s one last lesson for you.’

‘Lesson?’

Jaemin blinks. ‘The kiss thing?’

Jeno stares back at him. He’s tried hard not to remember it since he thought it was over now. Worked on pretending it never happened. ‘I thought we were done with that.’

Jaemin shakes his head, turning towards him and climbing on his lap, knees on either side of his waist. It makes Jeno’s stomach churn, feeling Jaemin’s weight settle on his thighs so suddenly.

‘You know how to give someone an innocent peck,’ Jaemin tells him and slowly takes off Jeno’s prescription glasses, the ones he only ever wears around Jaemin. This time it feels so intimate, so thorough, no shaky hands and no shuddered breaths and no impatience. ‘And you know how to make out with someone. But there’s something else I wanna try. Okay?’

And Jeno has to say no. He was finally starting to get over it a little bit, was almost ready to go back to status quo, back to a reality in which Jaemin never kissed him.

But Jaemin is leaning in, arms sliding around his neck, so gentle that for a moment Jeno is almost fooled into thinking he might mean it.

‘Okay,’ he replies. Somehow his hands are on Jaemin, feeling his hipbones under his thumbs through the thin material of his PJs.

‘Okay,’ Jaemin repeats, almost inaudible. He’s so close that Jeno can feel his lips lightly brushing against his own, his words nothing more than a warm breath on his skin. ‘This is how I think I’d kiss someone if I was in love with them.’

It’s their best kiss by far. It’s how a first kiss should be, except it might be too good for that.

It’s soft, slow, tentative, like Jaemin has never had his tongue in Jeno’s mouth before, like Jaemin is actually in love with Jeno and is just now discovering what that means. Jeno _feels_ loved, feels appreciated, like this is the answer to all the questions he’s been asking since he figured out what this feeling was all those years ago. It lasts a lifetime and an instant, Jaemin’s fingers on Jeno’s jaw, Jeno holding on to Jaemin’s waist like he might float away otherwise.

This is everything Jeno ever wanted. He can hardly breathe, can hardly think about how perfectly Jaemin’s mouth fits to his when Jaemin slides closer and tangles one hand in the front of his shirt. Jeno can’t help the soft noise that escapes him, not after so long and not when he knows that he’s going to have to say goodbye to this moment, too. He doesn’t want this to end. He doesn’t want _them_ to end.

Jaemin pulls back, slowly blinks his eyes open and doesn’t say anything.

Jeno’s sure he knows. That he can see right through him. Can see everything in Jeno’s eyes because right now there’s no way he can hide it. He watches something in Jaemin’s gaze change but he doesn’t know what it means. Probably the worst. It’s going to break now, everything. It’s never going to be fixed again.

‘I’ll see you later, yeah?’ Jaemin says softly and then he’s gone, just like that, leaving Jeno on their couch to fall apart alone.

Jeno lets himself have that moment. Lets himself feel everything, all the things he’s tried so hard to push down, no matter how they slice through him on the way up. Grieves the friendship because there’s no way things will be the same after a kiss like this, a kiss so real Jeno felt for a second like Jaemin really loved him.

But he doesn’t. The experiment is over and the results are coming in, results that say, _don’t ever kiss your best friend when you’re the only one who has feelings_. Some things you shouldn’t have, no matter how much you want them, how long you’ve wanted them for, even if it’s just a kiss.

It’s never just a kiss.

 

 

Jaemin comes back and they both pretend that nothing’s different. Jeno mentally thanks him for it, for making it easier on him, for feigning like he doesn’t see Jeno’s red puffy eyes and the ocean of hurt behind them.

It’s going to suck for a while but maybe they’ll at least keep the friendship intact somehow. Maybe not as best friends, but friends nonetheless. That’s all Jeno can ask for at this point.

What Jeno doesn’t expect is for Jaemin to keep playing this game.

‘So now that you know how to kiss it’s time to go out and find someone for you,’ he decides. His cheerfulness looks like a mask and Jeno wonders what’s under it. Wonders if he really would want to know.

‘I don’t know,’ Jeno hesitates. ‘What if I don’t want to?’

Jaemin stares. ‘Then what did we do all that for?’

 _Because I love you and couldn’t say no_. ‘To learn… for future reference.’

‘Jeno, the future is now. I’m not accepting excuses today; I’m taking you out and then we’re gonna talk to people until we find someone you like and then you’re gonna have fun. You’ll see.’

That’s what they do. Jeno wasn’t aware of how many people are out there who are just looking for someone to make out with or take home, or maybe Jaemin just has a sixth sense for it. He keeps dragging Jeno around bars and clubs, chats people up tirelessly, introduces Jeno in a much more interesting way than he actually is and then Jeno ruins it by being unresponsive.

Jaemin is patient at first and tries harder but Jeno watches his frustration grow. It’s strangely satisfying and Jeno realises he’s just waiting for one of them to snap. Wants it, even, just to have a reason to let it out. He hates every second of this, of pretending, of lying when they both know better now. Jaemin’s presence is almost unbearable but Jeno doesn’t know how to leave him, probably never will.

They are outside of some club again when it happens.

‘If you want this you have to cooperate,’ Jaemin tells him, voice sharp already. It seems he’s been waiting, too. Maybe this is what’s been under his mask.

Jeno crosses his arms, leans away. He feels his pulse in his temples and he wants to break something but there’s only Jaemin and him, already in pieces. ‘I told you I don’t.’

‘You’re a coward, you know that?’ Jaemin sneers. ‘You’re just scared that people will reject you, so you won’t even try.’

‘Coward? I’m an introvert! Also maybe I just don’t want a relationship right now, have you ever thought about that?’ Jeno hisses back.

Jaemin gapes at him. ‘I never said anything about _relationships_! God, you’re such a stuck up prude –’

‘Well, at least in comparison to you I’m not a fucking slut who goes with someone else every week!’

They stare each other down and Jeno’s unsure whether he’s gone too far. He’s too angry and too wound up to take it back. The tension stretches like an old rubber band and it’s going to rip – just a little more pressure and it will come apart, just like them. Just like them.

‘You can’t slut-shame me,’ Jaemin snaps. ‘Not when all I ever do is kiss people and talk to them.’

‘Yeah, _sure_ , Casanova. You’re just scared of commitment.’

‘And you’re not?! You fucking hypocrite. When was the last time _you_ tried anything with someone? You had your first fucking kiss with _me_ , your _best friend_ , because you’re too awkward to talk to anyone else, you –’

‘At least I can wait for the right one! I don’t rush into things like you, who goes home with random –‘

‘Do you really think I _slept_ with all of them?! _Wow_.’

‘What else am I supposed to think? When you weren’t coming home all the time? Coming back in the morning with that stupid smile on your face? That you were having friendly pyjama parties or what?’

‘You – I’m a _virgin_ , Jeno! I would have told you if I weren’t! It’s not like there weren’t any opportunities but I just – I’m saving myself.’

‘What, you make out with five different people every weekend and suddenly you’re _saving_ _yourself_?’

‘ _You_ don’t get to judge me! I want that to be special, okay? And maybe I’m scared.’

That’s too much new information for Jeno to keep the attitude. The rubber band snaps but instead of exploding, he deflates a little, vision clearing enough to see that Jaemin looks positively defeated. His ears ring like they’ve been shouting, even though he doesn’t remember raising his voice. ‘Shit, why’d you never tell me?’

Jaemin glares at him with too shiny eyes. ‘I didn’t feel like this was something you ever wanted to talk about.’

‘I – you know you can talk to me about anything.’

‘Yeah, well, I thought so, too, but whenever I talk about going out with someone you lock me out.’

‘Huh?’

Jaemin snorts. ‘You don’t even notice. But you get this faraway look and it’s like I can say what I want but it’s not gonna reach you. So I don’t fucking try anymore.’

‘Oh.’ Maybe Jaemin doesn’t know after all. Jeno’s not sure how he can’t, so maybe he’s just pretending, but then again, they are both kind of drunk and angry and mostly honest, and Jaemin still hasn’t said anything about it. It seems like a miracle right now and Jeno’s not sure if it’s good or bad. He doesn’t know if he can hide it anymore. ‘Let’s go home?’

Jaemin nods. He seems tired now and follows Jeno without another word.

 

 

They end up sitting on their couch, shoulder to shoulder. Jeno is still simmering inside but most of that anger is directed at himself. For thinking so lowly of Jaemin. For letting all of this happen to them. For holding on to Jaemin when it’s breaking his heart over and over again, a bruise he keeps prodding before it gets to fade.

‘I’m sorry, Jaemin,’ Jeno says. ‘I should have known you wouldn’t – wouldn’t sleep around.’

‘I know it sounds ridiculous,’ Jaemin admits. ‘Me being afraid of physical intimacy. But I’m really just overcompensating because I’m scared. I want that to be special at least since I’ve already, like, devalued kissing. It never really means anything anymore, you know.’

Jeno thinks he finally gets it. Gets how Jaemin could offer it to him in the first place. If it doesn’t mean anything, it won’t affect anything. Jaemin could walk in, walk out, unchanged, even though best friends don’t kiss, even after kissing each other anyway and having it feel too real. Jaemin wouldn’t know what it felt like to Jeno. _That_ it felt like something.

‘Kissing might not mean anything now,’ Jeno begins. ‘But when you fall in love with someone it will. And anything else will be easy then, too.’

‘What if I never fall in love with someone?’

When Jaemin looks up, there’s something fragile in his gaze, a hidden truth Jeno can’t figure out. This means something, Jeno thinks. Something more than he’s saying but Jeno can’t tell what.

‘You will. Just be patient.’

Jaemin stares at his hands, hesitates. ‘I guess. We’re okay, though, right?’

They look at each other and Jeno wants to kiss him so badly. Wants Jaemin to step over the line one last time, wants to pretend that this doesn’t mean anything to him, either, that he could walk away from it, too.

But Jaemin doesn’t. And Jeno couldn’t.

‘I feel like you should know that someone’s gonna love kissing you one day,’ Jaemin says and breaks into giggles. Jeno tries to laugh along with him but the sound gets stuck in his throat.

 

 

‘He looks at you like you hung the moon in the sky,’ Seulgi says and sets her stuff down on the study desk. She’s looking after Jaemin who just brought Jeno coffee like the best friend that he is, because he knows Jeno always has a late afternoon slump.

Jeno shakes his head. ‘He looks at everyone like that. He’s like a puppy; give him a treat and he’ll look at you, too.’

Seulgi laughs. ‘I can’t believe you compared the love of your life to a dog.’

‘He’s not the love of my life.’

She stops grinning. It makes Jeno feel uneasy. ‘You sure?’

‘He can’t be,’ Jeno says quietly. ‘The love of your life is supposed to love you back.’

 

 

‘Jaeminie,’ Jeno whines, prodding at Jaemin where he’s lying on his bed. ‘Please?’

‘We won’t live together forever, you know?’ Jaemin reminds him, voice muffled from the pillow under his chin. ‘One day you’ll have to learn how to cook for yourself.’

‘But right now we’re still living together and I’m starving. And you haven’t eaten anything in a while either.’

If things were normal, Jeno would drape himself over Jaemin, effectively crushing him into the mattress. If things were like always, Jeno wouldn’t hesitate.

He used to like this; liked the easiness of their friendship, liked being the closest person to Jaemin despite all the things that made it hurt. Liked being allowed to touch him whenever he wanted, knowing Jaemin didn’t mind.

Jeno doesn’t know how to do it anymore.

‘Pretty please,’ he begs. ‘I’ll do the dishes.’

Jaemin sighs. He doesn’t seem to notice that anything’s different or maybe he’s just pretending but Jeno is glad for it either way. ‘Fine. What do you want?’

‘Fried rice?’

‘Hm… we could mix in the leftover chicken?’

‘Yes!’

 

 

Jaemin is standing at the stove, stir frying the rice. Jeno is watching him from the side where he’s leaned against the counter, even though he’s supposed to help.

‘I have a question,’ Jaemin says.

‘Go ahead.’

‘Do you think Renjun would say yes if I asked him out?’

Jeno’s heart stops and restarts in his chest.

Out of all the things he could have asked. Out of all the people it could be.

Renjun.

Renjun, who’s a close friend to both of them. Renjun, who’s neither very athletic nor very nice. Renjun, who Jaemin shouldn’t even consider.

Why, why, why him.

This one might actually hurt the most.

‘Um.’ Jeno glances at the ceiling, prays for his façade to hold. ‘I don’t know? Do you want to ask him because you like him? Like, _really_ like him?’

Jaemin shrugs without looking up. ‘He’s cute, isn’t he?’

Jeno thinks back to what Renjun said about how he would never kiss his friends. A part of him wants to stop Jaemin from asking him out to save him the rejection. Another part wants to stop him because Jeno’s selfish.

The biggest part, though, the one that thrives on the bitterness and the hurt of the past weeks, wants Jaemin to know what it’s like to be shot down. Wants him to know how that aches, even though right now it doesn’t seem like Jaemin actually cares. Maybe it’s another one of Jaemin’s endless games. Another one of his stupid experiments.

Jeno hopes Renjun will give him a lecture. Will kick his ass. Will reject him.

_Please, please reject him._

‘If you like him you should ask,’ Jeno says.

 

 

The clouds are so thick that it stays dark all day. Jeno is lying in the living room, the only light coming from his laptop screen and then from the display of his phone when it lights up with an incoming call.

It’s Renjun. Jeno picks up.

‘Lee Jeno,’ Renjun snaps. ‘May I ask why the hell Na Jaemin has just asked me out on a date?’

‘Why are you asking _me_?’ Jeno gives back. He closes his laptop, the entire room drab from the gloomy weather. How fitting.

‘I bet my left ass cheek he consulted you before doing it.’  
‘What did you tell him?’

‘What do you think? No, obviously. I don’t date friends. What the hell? Why didn’t you stop him?’

 _Because I’m the worst friend in the world_. ‘I thought maybe it would teach him a lesson…’

‘God, you’re so stupid. He didn’t give a fuck that I rejected him.’

‘Why did he ask you, then?’

‘I thought you’d know.’

‘Well, I don’t. He just said he thinks you’re cute.’

‘Ha. I don’t fit his type.’

‘I know. You’re not cute, either.’

‘Fuck right off.’

They both laugh for a moment.

‘It’s really time to get over him, you know?’ Renjun says. ‘You can’t go on like this forever.’

Jeno sighs. He wants to let go of this but it’s been so long that he doesn’t know how. He wonders how he’s been okay with it before, could move through their flat and be so normal around Jaemin without the constant hole in his guts.

But then Jaemin had to go and kiss him. Had to offer all this shit that he’s always wanted, just to take it away again like nothing happened.

‘Renjun, I’m so tired of this.’

Renjun, for once not snarky, sighs and says, ‘I know.’

 

                                                                                            

‘How do you feel about getting the originals together?’ Jaemin asks. It’s laundry day and they are in the living room, Jeno folding his clothes, Jaemin ironing his. Jeno doesn’t know why he bothers. This is uni after all.

‘Good idea,’ Jeno replies. The originals, that’s the seven of them: Mark, Donghyuck, Renjun, Chenle, Jisung, Jaemin and him. Technically Renjun and Hyuck aren’t _original_ per se, having joined their group at uni, but none of them can remember what it was like without them. The rest of them were best friends throughout high school before Mark was the first to graduate. Now Jisung and Chenle are the only ones left at school. University had dragged them apart a little but never enough to do any harm.

‘I was thinking this weekend?’ Jaemin suggests. ‘At our place?’

Jeno shrugs in careful agreement. Their flat is tiny, barely enough for the two of them, but it’s the cosiest and cleanest out of everyone’s homes.

‘It’s settled then.’ Jaemin smiles down fondly at the shirt he’s ironing. ‘God, I can’t wait to get my hands on Jisung. I swear every time I see him he’s grown a little more. Ugh, I _adore_ that brat, I really…’

Jeno zones out, lets Jaemin gush about Jisung even when he’s heard it all before. He looks at their shared lives instead, how almost every memory Jeno has is inseparable from Jaemin. He’s done everything with him; all of it is somehow connected to him. There’s not a single spot in Jeno’s life that has remained untouched by Jaemin and now it’s impossible to cut him out of it.

But Jeno knows one day he will have to do it anyway. It’s just the way things are when you fall in love with someone who can’t love you back.

 

 

Jeno forgot how loud they are when it’s the seven of them. No one can hear the movie that’s playing on TV and aside from Renjun no one seems to care.

Jaemin is half lying on his lap, having successfully wrestled Jisung into a hug that looks more like a chokehold than anything else. Chenle is watching them from the side with an amused smile.

‘You look like a little family,’ he says.

‘That’s right,’ Jaemin agrees, a little out of breath from the strength it takes to keep Jisung contained. ‘Jisung is my son and Jeno my loving husband.’

It’s just jokes, as always, and Jeno sighs because they shouldn’t hurt as much as they do.

Then Jisung bites down on Jaemin’s arm, who yelps and makes everyone laugh. Jisung is consequentially kicked off the couch and Jaemin seeks shelter the way he always does, clinging onto Jeno for dear life.

Jeno is used to it. He just wraps his arms around Jaemin, pretends he doesn’t feel anything and Jaemin settles eventually, snuggled against his chest. No one is fazed; if anything, it’s a revisited memory from five years ago, an imprint of the last time they all hung out like this, a mirror image of Hyuck and Mark on the floor.

It’s just Jaemin being Jaemin.

Both Renjun and Jisung give Jeno meaningful looks, though. Jeno grits his teeth; maybe it was a matter of time until others started to figure it out. Then again, it’s a matter of time until something unchangeable happens, too, and Jeno already feels sorry. It’s going to change the dynamic of the entire group once everything blows up.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Jaemin asks quietly. Jeno feels his gaze on his face but he keeps staring at the TV.

‘Nothing.’

‘Don’t lie.’

‘Nothing important.’

Jaemin is obviously not satisfied with that answer but he leaves Jeno alone. For now.

Time passes so fast with all of them there. Someone starts talking about old memories and they end up reminiscing high school experiences, reliving insiders, fighting about which version of the story is true.

It’s a good time. Jeno didn’t realise how much he missed all these idiots – there’s something about getting all of them together at once. It doesn’t happen often enough anymore and Jeno hopes they all know how much he appreciates their friendship, even when he can’t say it.

Eventually everybody goes home, one after the other, and then it’s just Jaemin and Jeno in a tiny living room that’s in urgent need of a cleaning session. The floor is sticky where Mark spilled coke, leftover takeaway boxes are stacked on the table and it’s all sort of disgusting.

‘Let’s clean this tomorrow,’ Jaemin suggests, tapping his foot against an empty plastic bottle. It tips and rolls out of reach and in the sudden emptiness of the flat the noise seems too loud.

‘Something’s on your mind,’ Jaemin continues.

Jeno isn’t sure what he should tell Jaemin. He’s tired of lying but it’s not like he can say the truth, either. It gets harder each time Jaemin questions him and Jeno knows his evasions only make it worse. But what else is there?

Jaemin takes Jeno’s hand, easily pressing their palms together. It’s normal. Jaemin always tells Jeno he has beautiful hands. ‘You worry me lately.’

‘I’m not doing anything.’

‘I still know something’s wrong,’ Jaemin says. ‘And I also know you don’t really wanna talk about it. I just wish you would.’

Jeno wishes he could tell Jaemin something, just so he’ll stop asking. Stop worrying. Stop being such a good friend and making him feel guilty.

‘If you’re not gonna say anything, I’m going to sleep. Don’t stay up too long, yeah?’ Jaemin tells him and gets up. Jeno scoots back to let Jaemin pass but he doesn’t; instead he leans down, places his hands on Jeno’s shoulders and kisses him.

Jeno’s heart immediately shatters itself against his ribs.

It’s just a chaste press of lips, nothing deep, nothing wild, but it’s so unexpected that it throws Jeno off completely. It’s still so sweet, something that pulls up the warmth inside Jeno’s ribcage, a little bit like what he imagines being loved back would feel like.

When Jaemin pulls back he doesn’t smile.

‘Jaemin, what –‘

‘A goodnight kiss,’ Jaemin whispers. There’s a faint dust of pink on his cheeks but maybe that’s the light or the wine from earlier or Jeno’s desperate wish to find _something_ –

Jaemin gives him half a smile and then walks away. The door to their room clicks shut behind him and then Jeno is alone with the aftermath of whatever this is. Again.

He presses the heels of his hands against his eyes. What was Jaemin thinking? The whole kiss thing is over, there is no reason for this unless it meant something.

But Jaemin already said kissing didn’t mean anything to him. Maybe he just felt like it. Felt like being affectionate, which he always is, always will be.

There are no lines with Jaemin. You think there are but Jaemin isn’t predictable enough to let himself be defined by something as simple – as _established_ – as the norms of friendship.

Jeno can’t do this anymore. Tomorrow he’ll tell Jaemin to stop.

Being in love with your best friend is the absolute worst, Jeno thinks. You can never run from it. You spend all your time with that person and at some point you can’t distinguish between what’s platonic and what’s romantic and then you’re screwed.

You don’t get an outlet. You don’t get relief. You fell for the person who knows you best, so of course they’ll notice something is up.

Then you’re forced to lie to them because the truth is too much of a risk, unspeakable, and now you’re guilty – of feelings you shouldn’t have, of betraying your friendship, of lying through your teeth to the one person you promised to always be honest with.

And all the while they are just as close, do all those things you did as friends, except those things slowly kill you now.

You think you’ll get used to it. Maybe you kind of do, but it always hurts.

And when everything finally spirals out of control it is expected and predictable but you’ll never ever be ready for it.

Because this is your best friend. It’s the one person you can’t lose and now you’re going to lose them regardless. The pinkie promise of forever that you made when you both were seven, sitting underneath the dining table with cups of apple juice – it won’t save you.

 

 

Jeno doesn’t need to tell Jaemin anything because the next day Jaemin practically ignores him. He leaves the flat early, barely responds to Jeno’s texts, comes back so late Jeno’s already in bed. He only cooks when Jeno isn’t home, doesn’t open his mail, walks in and out the door before it has time to fall shut.

It’s three days of that same cold avoidance until Jeno finally admits it to himself.

They’ve had a good run, the two of them. The best, actually. But they’ve exceeded a finish line that shouldn’t have been there, one Jeno knew he wouldn’t come back from, one that Jaemin perhaps didn’t see until the ribbon was already ripped.

So this is it. The fork in the road. The first step in different directions.

This is the end of them.

 

 

‘He’s figured it out,’ Jeno tells Seulgi. He’s weirdly detached from it all, maybe because he’s already had a week to think it through and it’s been a long time coming. It’s not like it doesn’t hurt anymore but there’s nothing Jeno can do about it now. Isn’t that one of the stages of grief? Acceptance? Even though it feels a lot more like numb indifference right now. Like giving up.

‘What? How? I thought you stopped doing that thing,’ Seulgi asks. She looks so concerned that Jeno feels bad for being so dramatic. In front of her is a stack of papers, some only half finished, others full of mistakes. It’s hard to care about uni work when you’ve just lost the only constant in your life, Jeno thinks.

‘I thought we stopped, too, but he kind of didn’t. I guess I was too obvious,’ he says.

Seulgi sighs. ‘Fuck. What did he say?’

Jeno blinks up at her. ‘Huh? Nothing. He’s barely there and when he is he doesn’t really talk to me. He’s avoiding me wherever he can.’

Seulgi frowns at him, tapping her pen against one of her perfect acrylic nails. ‘You didn’t talk about it? How are you sure he knows then?’

‘Why else would he avoid me?’

Seulgi shrugs but she looks pensive. ‘That’s why you should talk.’

Jeno doesn’t know if he has the strength to start a conversation with Jaemin. The past week has left him completely devoid of energy; he’s been skipping class, barely even able to feed himself once a day without Jaemin there to remind him, aimlessly wandering around town in an attempt to distract himself only to wind up back in an empty home.

Nothing feels right without Jaemin.

‘Talk to him,’ Seulgi insists. ‘Maybe it’s not the way you think it is. Maybe you can stay friends if you just talk.’

Jeno looks at her again, at her painful optimism. He wishes he still had that – a silver lining, the unshakable belief that no matter what happened, he’d always have the friendship.

But he doesn’t.

‘I can’t do it anymore,’ Jeno whispers. ‘Just be friends with him.’

Across the table, Seulgi stops smiling and squeezes his hand instead.

 

 

Jaemin is home when Jeno gets back from his study date early but he doesn’t look like he’s staying. He’s wearing shoes and a jacket as Jeno walks into the kitchen, reaching for something on the shelf but stopping when he notices Jeno.

‘Hi,’ he says, looking right through him.

‘Hey.’

The awkward silence makes Jeno want to smash their shared IKEA dishes. It’s terrible like this, when it feels like they are nothing but strangers with a past, so disconnected from each other like they don’t know the other inside out.

And suddenly Jeno _misses_ Jaemin. He’s right here but it doesn’t feel like he is and Jeno misses him and their easy companionship so ferociously that he can feel it sink into his stomach like thick cement, the pressure of tears building behind his eyeballs.

‘I – I’m going out tonight,’ he decides right then, just to say something, to try and erase this unbearable quiet. ‘Do you wanna come?’

Jaemin hesitates visibly. ‘Um. I’m busy but have fun, yeah? I’ll see you later.’

He smiles at the floor and walks past Jeno, shoulders brushing. He smells like warm cotton and sandalwood, a scent so familiar that it’s been a while since Jeno has consciously appreciated it. It hits him like an iron fist to the gut.

‘See you,’ Jeno mutters but the door’s already closed.

 

 

Jeno stares at the glass in front of him, the amber liquid inside trembling slightly in his grip. He doesn’t remember how many have come before this one and it doesn’t matter. He’s allowing himself to say goodbye, just this one night.  

This is where it ends.

Their time has run out and the years have ticked by and the hole in Jeno’s chest has become a wound that will never stop bleeding, and this is where it ends.

This is the outcome of it all: losing the one person Jeno wanted to be around forever. These are the consequences: sitting at the bar Jaemin likes so much, taking shot after shot to somehow fill the horrible silence inside him, wanting everything to stop.

Falling in love with Jaemin has never been an option, always just a mistake, but not the worst mistake Jeno’s ever committed. That has been kissing Jaemin because that’s when the ending started, when the hourglass tipped and the wound began to fester.

Jeno doesn’t know if he’ll heal.

So he’s here, drinking until his blood is poison, until the edges of his thoughts are numb enough to be bearable.

He’ll forget Jaemin, one day. He’ll get over him. He’ll move on and maybe he’s finally starting to take Jaemin’s advice or maybe he’s drunk off his face or maybe the boy next to him is pretty and soft in ways that remind him of Jaemin and everything tastes like iron and salt.

‘Hey, Jeno,’ Jungwoo greets. Because the guy is Jungwoo, Jeno realises. He almost laughs. How bitter, to run into the one guy Jaemin might have had real feelings for. How bitter.

Jungwoo smiles, the corners of his mouth carving lines into his face, and Jeno _hates_ him.

‘What are you up to?’ Jungwoo asks.

Words are so hard right now. Standing is hard, trying to cope with his spinning vision is hard, thinking about Jaemin kissing Jungwoo is the hardest.

‘Nothing,’ Jeno slurs. ‘What’re you doing here? Where’s Lucas?’

Jungwoo’s smile turns acrid. ‘Lucas and I aren’t a thing anymore.’

‘Huh?’

‘Not since he met Renjun.’

That’s unexpected in many ways. ‘Oh.’

‘Yeah. Looks like we could both use some cheering up, huh?’

Jeno knows that tone of voice. He’s heard Jaemin use it on various people before, knows exactly what his face looks like when he does.

When he lifts his gaze off the counter, he doesn’t know who he’s looking at.

‘Do you want to kiss me?’ Jungwoo asks quietly.

 _How dare you ask me that_ , Jeno wants to scream. _How dare you after you’ve touched Jaemin_.

But Jungwoo leans in so close Jeno can feel his breath on his face and when he closes his eyes he almost feels like he’s back on his couch with Jaemin’s weight on his lap and his mouth so close to his own. The world tips to the side and he snaps his eyes back open, looking straight at Jungwoo, who’s staring at his mouth. Jeno wants to bite that smile of his face. Wants to kiss him until their lips are bruised and they’re out of breath, wants to unlearn what it’s like to have a heart made of shards. Wants to fall asleep and only wake up once he’s forgotten Jaemin ever existed.

Except a life without Jaemin isn’t really a life. Jeno without Jaemin isn’t really Jeno.

‘I’m going to kiss you now, okay?’ Jungwoo whispers. There’s a warm hand on Jeno’s nape, pulling him closer, and he wishes it was Jaemin’s. He wishes it was Jaemin. He can almost pretend but there are tears burning in his eyes.

‘What the _fuck_!’

The hand is gone. Jeno looks up but Jungwoo’s leaning back, staring at someone else with a mix of guilt and annoyance on his face.

That was Jaemin’s voice. That’s Jaemin shouting and Jeno feels like his lungs are filling with quicksand.

‘The _fuck_ , Jungwoo! Where you just trying to kiss my best friend?!’

Jaemin looks furious, shoulders tense, an ugly frown on his beautiful, beautiful face. Jeno can see it even though everything is so blurry, so surreal.

‘What’s so wrong with that?’ Jungwoo snaps. ‘He was cool with it, so how about you leave us alone?’

Jaemin stares, then flicks his gaze to Jeno. ‘Were you really going to kiss my ex?’

‘Oh my fucking god,’ Jungwoo exclaims. ‘Jaemin, you were the one who insisted we were never together!’

‘Oh fuck off, Jungwoo.’

‘The hell is wrong with you? Why are you so – this is none of your business, really.’

‘None of my business –‘

‘He’s right,’ Jeno speaks up. It’s hard but he can’t look away from Jaemin. Something in his veins is too warm and he can’t tell if it’s the alcohol or the anger or the years of heartache. ‘Why do you even care?’

Jaemin seems stunned for a second. ‘Because you don’t get involved with people your best friend was involved with.’

 _Are we still best friends,_ Jeno wants to ask. _Are we best friends? Because friends don’t kiss each other and they don’t hurt each other and I’ve always wanted more, always wanted too much, always wanted you_.

‘You never fucking cared about me, Jaemin,’ Jungwoo hisses. ‘Don’t be a hypocrite now. You were always somewhere else with your mind whenever you were with me and _that’s_ why we didn’t work out. You know it. Don’t blame me. Fuck this, I’m leaving. Sorry, Jeno.’

And that’s what he does. Jeno wishes he could, too, could just walk away from it all, but he feels like if he moved now he’d throw up. Throw it all up, the pain, the alcohol, the heavy sand that grates against his insides.

‘I can’t believe you would have kissed him,’ Jaemin spits out.

And that’s too much. Jeno feels the rage like an exploding fuse, all the things he’s tried so hard not to think about going up in flames. All of this is so wrong and Jeno’s control is slipping out of his tired hands and it’s like Jaemin’s standing there just to hurt him more.

‘The fuck do you _want_ , Jaemin?’ Jeno shouts. ‘I can kiss whoever the hell I want! Isn’t that what it was all about? What you dragged me outside for? Is that not why _you_ kissed me? That’s not something friends do, you know! I’m not _yours_! I didn’t – I didn’t want –’

‘Oh, are we really doing this right now? If it’s not something you wanted then why did you agree, huh? And I never wanted you to kiss Jungwoo! I never –’

‘Fuck you, Jaemin! Maybe you should make up your mind! You said you did it all for me to learn how to kiss people but now that I want to you’re suddenly not cool with it?’

‘Give me a fucking break! I just –’

‘What the hell do you want me to do? Who _can_ I kiss, huh? Do I have to make a list and have it approved by you first? Do I –’

‘Maybe I _don’t_ want you to kiss anyone else!’ Jaemin shouts.

Jeno is stunned into silence. What does that even mean?

‘You’re not making any fucking sense,’ Jeno snaps.

Jaemin is just staring at him now, eyes full of hurt, maybe something deeper, something Jeno knows so, _so_ well. Desperation and longing, the ache you get from watching the thing you want slip away from you.

But it’s not Jeno walking away. He could never ever walk away from Jaemin, not in this life, not in the next. Not as a best friend and not as the person who’s been in love with him for years. 

But Jaemin can, and he does. He gives Jeno another look at slices through him like a clean sharp blade because it’s so similar to what Jeno has been feeling, and then he turns and rushes outside.

Jeno can’t bring himself to follow, just slumps against the counter and lets Jaemin leave.

 

 

Jeno doesn’t remember how he makes it here but Renjun eventually opens the door, looking disgruntled but letting him in anyway. He guides Jeno to the bathroom, gives him a glass of water and then goes back to bed.

It’s a good thing. Jeno throws up twice when the spinning gets too bad, dry-heaves a few times after that. Eventually he just sits there, cheek pressed against the cool porcelain of the toilet bowl, the spitting picture of a pathetic, heartbroken mess.

He’s really lost him tonight. Lost Jaemin. He knew he would but it shouldn’t have been like this. He tries to keep a hold on Jaemin’s words – _maybe I don’t want you to kiss anyone else_ – but the more often he replays them the less real they seem, a small utopia pressed into a sentence that just won’t make sense.

Jeno hopes he remembers it tomorrow, anyway.

 

 

Jeno wakes up on Renjun’s couch. He’s surprised he made it here but there’s a bruise on his shin that tells him it wasn’t without obstacles.

‘Rise and shine, motherfucker,’ Renjun calls from somewhere. The air smells like fried eggs and coffee and Jeno suppresses the violent urge to gag.

It takes another half hour and about a litre of water before Jeno is functioning enough to sit down at Renjun’s table. ‘Hey, can I move in with you?’

Renjun stares at him like he’s grown another head. ‘No?’

‘Please?’

‘What happened to living with Jaemin?’

‘I can’t go back there.’

‘Huh? Why not?’

Jeno stares at the table. Last night’s events are nothing but a blur but the imprint of the feelings remain. ‘We fought about something yesterday. I don’t remember what exactly he said but there was… something. The only thing I know is that I can’t go back home.’

‘Actually, the one thing to do is to go look for him and talk it out,’ Renjun tells him.

‘I can’t talk to him right now.’ Jeno feels like he’s forgetting something vital here. What did Jaemin say to him? Why does it make him feel like this – like every single muscle fibre of his heart is tearing? Jeno feels dangerously close to tears; maybe he’s still a little drunk. Maybe the prospect of losing your childhood best friend because you have feelings for him is not the rosiest future. Maybe –

Renjun pats his hand with a sympathetic smile. ‘You can stay here until tomorrow. Then figure things out.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Dude, stop crying. I have to leave you alone in a bit.’

‘What? Why?’

‘I’m going to Xuxi’s.’

‘Xuxi?’

‘You know, Lucas.’

There’s a bell ringing somewhere inside Jeno’s brain but his headache doesn’t help him. ‘Okay.’

Renjun gets up and picks up his plate. ‘If you throw up on my carpet I’ll kill you.’

 

 

When Jeno finds the courage to go home a day later, Jaemin isn’t there. The flat is tidy, the air stale, and Jeno knows Jaemin hasn’t been here either before he even sees the note on the counter.

 

_Hey!_

_I went to visit my parents for a few days_

_there’s some leftovers in the fridge and stuff in the freezer so u wont starve_

_Nana x_

 

Jeno smooths the wrinkles out of the paper with a shaky thumb. Even now, Jaemin still cares. Still makes sure Jeno will survive without him. But the fact that he used paper instead of texting him like usual already says a lot. He didn’t even tell Jeno how long he’d stay away for.

Maybe he won’t come back.

Jeno wonders if he’ll have to move out. If he should pack his bags now and leave the flat to Jaemin, just vanish to make it easier for both of them.

The thought breaks his heart all over again.

The memories of them are all over this tiny shared space: the picture from high school graduation on the fridge, next to the Lotte World sticker where Jaemin had lost his phone once. The guitar case in the corner of their room that Jeno always opens more frequently around Christmas. Jaemin’s shoe collection on the shelf above Jeno’s single pair of sneakers. The dying houseplant that’s now in Jeno’s care since Jaemin lost interest.

There’s the little chalkboard in the kitchen that they use to list stuff they need to buy, things they need to do, reminders of bills that are due. Sometimes there’s the occasional dirty joke and, more often, little encouragements that Jaemin likes to leave for Jeno before deadlines.

Right now, it says nothing.

Jeno wishes he could go home to his mother, too, but that’s not an option, given that Jaemin lives two houses down the street. Really, there’s nowhere for Jeno to run to. Everywhere he’s been, Jaemin had come along.

Jaemin has always been home.

Jeno forces himself to breathe in and out, once, twice, again and again until his lungs stop constricting. It takes a while. Then he takes his phone and types out a message he should probably have sent earlier.

 

**to: Nana (1:38 pm)**

_hey_

_when are u coming back?_

 

He snoops around their room for a while, wondering if he really should start packing things but not knowing where to begin. Every object he picks up seems to get heavier with every memory that comes flooding back and he can’t bring himself to do it. He can’t. He marathons Haikyuu instead, trying not to think. By the time Jaemin texts back it’s already late.

 

**from: Nana (11:12 pm)**

_idk yet_

_why did sumn happen??_

 

**to: Nana (11:13 pm)**

_no_

_just feel like we should talk_

 

**from: Nana (11:20 pm)**

_guess we should…_

_ill be back wednesday_

 

Jeno looks at his phone. It’s Monday evening, giving him two days to prepare for whatever conversation is ahead. It’s not going to be enough. _Years_ haven’t been enough.

 

**to: Nana (11:20 pm)**

_ok_

 

**from: Nana (11:20 pm)**

_sorry for ditching u just like that_

 

**to: Nana (11:20 pm)**

_im sorry too_

 

**from: Nana (11:20 pm)**

_alright_

_goodnight jeno x_

**to: Nana (11:20 pm)**

_goodnight nana_

 

 

Jaemin comes back on Wednesday morning.

Jeno wouldn’t usually be awake at 9:42 am unless he had a lecture to attend but he couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning in a room that was so much _Jaemin_ that it almost didn’t matter that Jaemin himself wasn’t there.

So Jaemin finds him here, in their kitchen, standing at the sink. The light from the window illuminates Jaemin’s guarded expression and Jeno feels his hastily stitched wounds pull apart.

‘You’re up,’ Jaemin remarks.

Jeno nods, puts down the pan he’s been scrubbing and dries his hands. ‘Should we sit down?’

They do, opposite of each other at the kitchen table. The sun was starting to warm up the wood but Jaemin’s broad shoulders cast a shadow over it.

It feels weird to sit like this, so far apart from each other, like it’s a job interview or something. Jaemin has never learnt what personal space is or just chose to ignore it. There was never a time in Jeno’s life in which Jaemin was as unattached as he is now, not even kicking at Jeno’s feet underneath the table, refusing to look at him.

It feels wrong. All of this is wrong: the tension in the air, Jaemin’s blank face, Jeno’s shaking hands. He can already smell the salt in his nose from the tears he’ll undoubtedly spill once Jaemin says it out loud. Says they can’t be friends anymore. Says they should go their separate ways.

Finally, finally. It all comes down to that. A slash through his life, before and after, but no matter how hard Jeno tries he can’t imagine a life without Jaemin.

Jeno already knows Jaemin will be nice about it and perhaps that’s worse. Jaemin is the kindest person he knows, considerate unless he’s oblivious, who’d go through hell for his friends. For Jeno. The things he’s done for him by now are no longer countable and Jeno is so grateful: to have had Jaemin for so long. To have been his best friend, right hand man, the person who was always next to him. They’ve always been a package deal. Jaemin with his inquisitive, playful nature and Jeno, mellow and charismatic. It’s always been the two of them and their fair share of fights have only brought them closer until the one night Jaemin had to offer this impossible, unthinkable thing.

Jeno almost feels like it was a test of sorts, a test of whether he could still put the friendship above his feelings, and he’d failed. He’d been selfish and said yes when the biggest idiot would have known to say no.

‘I don’t really know where to start,’ Jaemin says. ‘But, um, I’m sorry.’

Here it goes. ‘Sorry for what?’ _For being too nice? For not loving me back? For –_

‘For kissing you. Making you kiss me when – I mean. I mean, I don’t _regret_ it. But I know you feel weird now and I just – god, why is this so hard?’ Jaemin drops his face into his hands for a moment, sighing heavily. When he looks back up he seems tired, wearing the same worn out expression that Jeno has been carrying around for weeks.

Jeno isn’t sure if they’re talking about the same thing, though. He’d expected Jaemin to be more straightforward but then again, Jaemin’s losing his best friend as well. He’s losing Jeno, who’s always been around, who’s always been by his side.

Jeno figures it can’t be easy for him, either.

‘No, Jaemin, _I’m_ sorry,’ Jeno tells him and that’s as far as he gets before his vision blurs and his throat closes up. He can’t believe it’s finally happening: the confession, the escalation, the end of almost eighteen years of friendship. Jeno’s never had another best friend; it’s always been Jaemin.

Always just Jaemin.

It seems impossible to even think of a life without him and Jeno wishes he’d have an excuse but he knows he’ll never get over him if he doesn’t get space. He’d always be hung up on this, on that one kiss that felt too real, and he knows they’d become awkward with each other. He doesn’t want to suffer through that, too.

‘Sorry for what?’ Jaemin asks. His voice is quiet, shaky, but Jeno doesn’t dare look up to check if he’s crying.

 _For falling in love with you_. Jeno’s had all this time to prepare but he has spent too much time hiding these words inside himself to let them out now. The letters feel like barbed wire in his throat and he can’t, he can’t –

He hears Jaemin blow his cheeks out, hears the tap-tap of his fingers on the table surface.

‘I’m just going to tell you what I’m thinking, yeah?’ he asks and Jeno nods, because what else could he do? It’s time to stop running, stop hiding, stop pretending. If Jaemin asks he’s going to tell the truth.

‘Okay. Um. Jeno, I’m really sorry,’ Jaemin repeats and now Jeno knows he’s crying, can hear it so clearly. ‘I never wanted to ruin our friendship, you’re the most important person in my life, I swear. I’d never – I’m _so_ sorry. I really just wanted to help you, you know, I _promise_ I didn’t take advantage of you. I mean, I tried to stop as soon as I figured out I was catching feelings and – I get it if you don’t wanna be friends anymore. I know it changes things. But _please_ try to be friends with me. You’re my best friend and I really – I don’t wanna lose you over this, I really, really can’t. Anyone but you.’

Jeno freezes.

Catching feelings?

Jaemin doesn’t catch feelings, doesn’t fall in love, not with the ten different people he’s been with and certainly not with Jeno. Jaemin doesn’t know love, not the real thing, despite his affectionate nature that makes him fond of almost everyone he meets. He doesn’t _know_ , not the kind of love that lives in your chest and your tummy and your trembling fingertips, the one that keeps you awake at night and whispers dreams into your ears, the one that hugs you so tightly you think you’ll never be free of it.

‘Jaemin, what do you – what are you even saying?’ Jeno asks, looking up.

Jaemin is staring at his hands. His cheeks are pink, shiny tear tracks running down his face and clinging to his chin. ‘I know I shouldn’t have kissed you. It’s not really something friends do but I – I wanted to anyway, just to help you. Until I kissed you again and realised maybe I wanted to kiss you because you’re you.’

All Jeno can do is stare at him. Jaemin doesn’t look back, just quickly wipes a new tear off his cheek before he continues.

‘I didn’t want to tell you, like, ever because you’re my best friend before everything and I’d already almost ruined it. I noticed that you’re more distant, you know? I can tell. I didn’t mean to continue, I just. I figured I’d forget someday if I just went on as normal, except I kind of couldn’t. I kept thinking of excuses to get to kiss you, so I tried to get some space, just for a while so I wouldn’t do stupid things. But then when I saw you with Jungwoo I – I snapped. I shouldn’t have, I know, and I’m sorry, you – you can kiss whoever you like and I… I’ll get over it. I’ll try…’ Jaemin trails off, drying more tears with his sleeve.

‘Jaeminie,’ Jeno breathes. His knees shake, everything shakes, from relief, from being overwhelmed, from carrying a heavy heart for so long only to find out it’s the lightest thing on earth.

He has to make sure. He needs him to say it. It’s not fair since he can’t say it himself but he needs to hear it first. What if this is a terrible misunderstanding? ‘Do you love me?’

Jaemin looks up at him, his expression open and so incredibly soft, like Jeno’s something beautiful. Jeno feels himself burn away under that gaze but he doesn’t dare break eye contact.

‘You know, when you told me about the real deal I wasn’t sure what you meant. But then, when I kissed you again that one time on the couch, I –‘ Jaemin shrugs helplessly. ‘I felt that in my bones. I still do whenever I look at you and it’s not going away. I’m sorr-’

‘You don’t have to apologise,’ Jeno interrupts. He knows he’s crying, too, the tears hot on his face, and it must look so pathetic from the outside, the both of them at their kitchen table, basically bawling at each other. ‘Because I – I’m. Jaemin, _you_ – it’s you. It’s always been just you for me.’

Jaemin’s jaw drops. ‘What do you mean, always?’

Jeno swallows. _The truth_ , he tells himself. _Tell him the truth_. ‘I’ve – I’ve liked you for ages.’

‘Shut the fuck up,’ Jaemin whispers, getting up from his chair. He scrambles around the table and pulls Jeno up by his wrists until they are face to face.

Jaemin’s skin is blotched and shiny but Jeno would look at him forever if it meant he’d get to see this: his eyes so tender, so hopeful, like the first blossoms in spring.

‘You’re telling me you like me,’ Jaemin says, blinking rapidly the way he does when he’s trying to comprehend something. ‘And you let me kiss you, thinking I’d never like you back?’

Jeno closes his eyes for a moment. ‘Why else would I agree to something so dumb? I’m sorry but I thought – I thought that would be the closest I’d get to –’

‘That’s so stupid, oh god, Jeno, why would you do that to yourself? I mean, I’m glad you did and I really…’ Jaemin reaches for Jeno’s face, carefully placing his hands on his neck. Jeno feels his thumbs on his jaw, running a slow, soft line over the bone, and he can’t help but lean into it.

‘I know what it feels like now. The real thing. Everything makes sense now and I – Jeno, I love you,’ Jaemin whispers.

Finally, finally. Jeno feels like he’s breathing in after years of being held under water, even though the air feels new and foreign and not at all like something that he might deserve. But he’ll take it. Breathe in as deeply as he can until the oxygen fills his bones because this is Jaemin.

 _I love you_.

The words wipe out every second of ache Jeno’s accumulated over the years, like they are smoothing out a creased cloth. Like a gentle finger caressing a scar. Jaemin picking up the pieces of Jeno’s heart, putting it back together and holding it in the palm of his hand like a small, fragile bird – something precious, fluttery, fleeting. Something that has always been his. That will always return to him.

When Jaemin kisses Jeno, it’s better than all their other kisses combined. It tastes like salt, tastes like relief, tastes like all his wishes strung up on a gold wire. It’s what Jeno has always wanted, has always been longing for, has always dreamt about.

Being loved in return. The last puzzle piece falling into place. Coming home after a long, awful time away.

Jeno figures that’s what Jaemin is: home. It’s where Jeno belongs, the one place he’ll never truly leave. His past, present, future, combined in one person. His forever.

It’s always going to be Jaemin.

 

 

They sit on their couch later, legs tangled, one of Jaemin’s favourite playlists playing over the bluetooth speakers. Jeno’s eyes keep falling shut; his lack of sleep is catching up on him, as is the emotional exhaustion. Jaemin’s hand is in his and this time it means something. Means everything. He can fall asleep and wake up and still find Jaemin by his side.

Perhaps miracles do happen.

‘When you say you’ve always liked me,’ Jaemin starts. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Since I was like thirteen or something. I mean, I didn’t really realise until later and I liked other people, too, but yeah…’ Jeno replies.

Jaemin gapes at him. ‘What? Jeno, that’s _crazy_. Who does that?’

Jeno shrugs, refusing to meet Jaemin’s eyes. ‘Well, it’s you, so…’

‘I – oh my god. Fuck, Jeno, I’m sorry. All those times I made you meet the people I was seeing – when I dragged you to parties…‘

‘It’s okay,’ Jeno placates him. ‘I did those things as your best friend.’

Jaemin still pouts, eyes huge and apologetic, and runs his thumb over Jeno’s knuckles. ‘But still. I hurt you. There are not enough kisses in the world to make that up.’

‘The worst – the worst was Renjun. Because, you know, he’s our friend and I was like, damn, he’s good enough and I’m not.’

Jaemin lets out a disbelieving snort. ‘Fucking hell. I only wanted to like, make out with Renjun to make sure if you were special. I – I knew already but I didn’t want it to be true because I was so scared of losing you.’

‘Oh my _god_. Really?’

‘Not my best idea, I know.’

‘You figured it out anyway.’

Jaemin hums. He’s so warm, pressed against Jeno’s body, so close. They’ve always been close. Will never stop. Jeno doesn’t have to think about goodbyes and packed bags and irreplaceable memories, not unless…

The peaceful smile slips off his face.

‘Jaeminie,’ he says.

‘Hmm?’

‘You – you’re not gonna fall out of love with me next week, are you?’

Jaemin looks at him again and _god_. This is what love should feel like.

‘I’ve never felt like this before,’ Jaemin admits quietly. ‘It doesn’t seem like something that will go away again. It’s like… Like I’ve been staring at an abstract piece of art that has never made sense to me for my entire life but finally it does. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t unsee it. And I don’t want to anyway.’

‘That’s… that’s good. The chances that I’d get over you are very slim.’

‘You know, all those other people… I think maybe they didn’t mean anything because there has always been you. I just didn’t know what it meant. Everything I wanted was right there but I didn’t _see_ it because I was always looking at the wrong person.’

‘And you know now?’

Jaemin smiles ruefully and kisses the back of Jeno’s hand. ‘I’m sorry it took me so long.’

Feeling the gentle touch of Jaemin’s lips on his skin, Jeno thinks the wait has been worth it. Hell, he would have waited forever.

But he doesn’t have to. It’s still so unreal that the mere thought is overwhelming. Jeno wonders if Jaemin can feel his rapid heartbeat where he’s lying on Jeno’s chest, wonders if Jaemin’s own heart might be racing, too. What a strange, wonderful thought – that Jaemin feels the same way about him. Strange and wonderful and now the truth.

Jaemin scoots up, coming face to face with Jeno. ‘I love it when you look at me like that.’

Jeno feels a blush spread on his cheeks. ‘Like what?’

‘Like you have nothing to hide. Like looking at me is something special.’

‘It is. It’s you.’

Jaemin presses a quick kiss to Jeno’s lips before he grins. ‘Will you still love me if I dye my hair pink?’

 _I’ll love you no matter what_ , Jeno thinks. He runs his fingers through Jaemin’s brunette strands, trying to imagine it bright and vibrant like cherry blossoms, and immediately withers inside. ‘I will not answer for my actions if you do.’

Jaemin laughs. It’s the best sound in the world. ‘I’ll do it then.’

‘Hey.’

‘What?’

 _Jaemin, I love you, you make me so happy, I never thought I’d get to feel like this_. All Jeno can do is look at him. His quirky mouth that smiles so easily. His hands that fit so perfectly into his own. His big, dark eyes that look at Jeno like he’ll never see enough of him.

‘I know,’ Jaemin says quietly. ‘Me, too.’

 

 

Neither Jeno nor Jaemin say anything the next time the originals come over.

If Jeno’s honest it’s been kind of hard to keep it from Renjun. He’s been dying to tell him but Jaemin made him pinkie-swear that he wouldn’t, so it would ‘be a surprise’.

Jeno doesn’t think Renjun will be very surprised.

(He tells Seulgi, though. As expected she completely loses it and curses Jeno out for being so stupid before choking him with a hug.

‘Tell Jaemin the next time I see him I’ll strangle him,’ she says when she finally lets go of Jeno. ‘For making you a lovesick fool for I don’t even know how long.’

Jeno just laughs.)

They watch a movie, except that as always no one’s actually paying attention. Donghyuck and Chenle have started a card game with Jisung looking over Chenle’s shoulder. Mark is eating pizza by himself on the floor and Renjun is on his phone, most likely texting Lucas.

And Jaemin – Jaemin sits so close to Jeno that he’s almost on his lap, arms slung around him. No one bats an eye at them. Jaemin would do the same to any of them – except now Jeno knows he’s special.

‘No one’s looking,’ Jaemin mutters, turning his face so that his nose almost touches Jeno’s. Jeno can feel his breath on his cheek and his heartbeat quickens, anticipating what Jaemin might do next. ‘I could kiss you and no one would notice.’

‘I thought you _want_ them to notice,’ Jeno gives back.

‘I guess I’ll just have to kiss you for a long time then.’

Jeno’s breath hitches. ‘Hm… I really can’t see the downside of that.’

Jaemin grins and Jeno is sure he knows what he’s doing to Jeno, enjoying it way too much. He leans in so close that their lips are just barely touching, but it’s not a proper kiss. Jeno’s heart is beating out of time now, like it’s trying to outrace something and the air feels thick around them. Does Jaemin want him to close the last distance? Is he just playing with Jeno? Jeno doesn’t know and the longer he thinks about it the harder it is to breathe.

‘Anyone looking?’ Jaemin whispers.

Jeno leans back a little, partly to check and partly to escape the tension for a second.

No one is. Renjun has joined the card game which is getting noisier by the second. ‘Why don’t we just tell them?’ Jeno complains.

‘Because that’s lame.’ Jaemin swings one leg over Jeno’s thighs, coming even closer. Jeno’s hands settle on his hips so naturally now while Jaemin locks his arms around his neck and then Jaemin’s finally leaning in for a real kiss.

It’s easy to forget about the others when Jaemin kisses him. It’s easy to forget _anything_ else exists. There’s nothing else that matters except Jaemin’s lips moving against Jeno’s, after years and years of longing finally a tangible dream that he gets to live every day.

There are no words to describe how it feels to be loved back by your best friend, Jeno thinks.

Then a high-pitched shriek breaks the moment and Jaemin laughs against Jeno’s mouth before slipping off his lap.

Everyone’s staring at them, dead silent for three seconds. Their faces are hilarious: Mark gapes at them like he’s seen a ghost, Hyuck and Jisung look outraged, Chenle (the one who screamed) excited and Renjun just really done with all of them.

‘Finally got it together, huh?’ Renjun quips and all hell breaks loose.

 

 

In a weird sense being in a relationship with Jaemin is so _normal_. They’ve done all the couple stuff before they even got together, have lived with each other for almost two years now, know all the annoying habits and flaws they have.

There are just a few things that change. For one, there are a lot more kisses. A lot more dates. Jeno is no longer Jaemin’s terrible wingman. They buy a new bed that blows a hole into Jeno’s budget but it’s worth it when he wakes up the next morning to Jaemin’s steady heartbeat under his ear.

Jeno was worried that maybe more things would be different. Maybe they’d stop being best friends now that they were boyfriends, but he should have known that it’s not how it works.

Jaemin will never stop being his best friend. Everything else is just another part of their lives now, a little bit more light added to every day.

Jeno loves everything about this.

Happiness is being with Jaemin. It’s a familiar red cardigan that hangs over the back of a chair. It’s Jaemin’s tinkling giggle under a blanket, his even breath against Jeno’s skin when they fall asleep, two fingers linked together across the table.

It’s the sound of a key turning in the lock, a ‘baby, I’m home’, a smile pressed into the side of Jeno’s neck. It’s waking up to Jaemin’s peaceful face, his lashes fluttering as he wakes up. It’s Jeno’s _’I love you to infinity and beyond’_ scribbled on their little chalkboard that Jaemin refuses to erase. It’s putting a new polaroid on the fridge: them standing next to each other, Jeno holding up a peace sign, Jaemin leaning his chest against Jeno’s shoulder, coffee in hand. Hyuck had called it their best boyfriend look.

Their friends have quickly labelled them the annoying married couple and Renjun complains about it every chance he gets, whining about how he ‘knew this would happen’. Jaemin likes to point out that Renjun is not much better himself once Lucas is around but gets shot down by the others every time because they are by far the ones with the worst PDA.

Jeno doesn’t care. He’s waited too long to hold back now and he can live with a bunch of irritated friends if it means he gets to be close to Jaemin all the time, gets to be happy.

Jaemin is preparing dinner while Jeno’s setting the table. Jeno watches him, how he pouts when he’s concentrating on cutting up ingredients, how his hands move so surely around the kitchen that he barely has to look. Even under the yellow artificial light of the lamp he is beautiful.

Moments like these, when they are both doing their own thing but still being together – they make Jeno so weak. They make him want to say stupid, cheesy things like _Jaemin, you’re the only one I’ll share my jelly with_ or _the sun must be so envious of your smile_ or _happiness is truly you_. But Jeno knows from experience that it’s hard to say these things out loud, no matter how badly he wants to voice them and that it’s much easier for him to show them instead.

Jeno puts the plates down, presses himself against Jaemin’s broad back and kisses his nape, arms sliding around his waist to pull him close. Jaemin smells like the herbs he’s been chopping, like Jeno’s shower gel that he must have been stealing again, like a thousand memories of home.

Jeno hooks his chin over his shoulder and Jaemin laughs.

‘You could be helping, you know?’ Jaemin suggests and puts down the knife.

‘I am,’ Jeno mumbles. ‘I’m keeping up the morale of the cook.’

Jaemin hums. ‘The cook needs another kiss.’

Jeno complies, pressing his lips to Jaemin’s nape again, to the side of his throat, his cheek, the corner of his jaw. He hopes he gets the message across: _I love you. I love you so much I don’t know what to do with myself. I‘ve always been yours._

Jaemin sighs contently, leaning back against Jeno. ‘Could you get the cucumber from the fridge?’

‘What do I get in return?’

Jaemin snorts. ‘Dinner.’

‘Can dinner wait for five minutes?’

‘Why?’

Jeno tightens his hold around Jaemin’s waist a little. ‘I want to stay like this for a moment.’

‘Hmm… only if you give me another kiss.’

‘You’re so needy.’

‘Says you.’

Jeno lets Jaemin twist in his arms until they’re face to face. Jaemin hugs him and buries his face in the junction between his neck and his shoulder, so pliable against his chest. They fit around each other like they were never meant to be apart. Sometimes Jeno thinks they weren’t.

Jaemin pulls back to look at him. The thing about Jaemin is that he _sees_ people: he never avoids eye contact, is never shy to look someone straight in the face, always makes sure to be attentive when someone says something.

It’s another part of Jaemin that Jeno finds so terribly endearing. His gentle mindfulness. His attempt to give everyone the attention they deserve.

But the way Jaemin’s looking at him now – that’s for Jeno only. It belongs to him like the heart Jaemin placed in Jeno’s open palms, trusting him to keep it safe. Jeno knows it. There’s a tenderness in Jaemin’s dark eyes that no one else gets to see and it makes Jeno’s knees a little weak. He never understands how Jaemin can be both so sharp and so gentle, how his edges are only adding to his lenity, his inherent warmth.

Jaemin rests his forehead against Jeno’s, his fingers brushing over Jeno’s cheek. ‘You know I love you, right?’

‘I know,’ Jeno replies quietly. How could he forget? ‘I - I love you, too.’

Jaemin smiles how the sun rises and then he kisses him.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> don't fall in love with your best friend, kids. All it does is fuck you up lol
> 
>  
> 
> anyways, I hope you enjoyed this, please let me know if you did~  
> if there are any mistakes pls point them out to me.
> 
> jeno is so sweet and soft, yall will never catch me writing him as anything else. I love him 
> 
>  
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ki_jaemjen)
> 
> or ask me things on my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/ki_jaemin)


End file.
